It’s that time of year again, when guests attend grueling 3 day affairs, stuffing themselves with gulab jamun, ras malai, briyani, and into elaborate gold brocaded outfits. Hands painted with henna. Faces painted with makeup. Envelopes stuffed with money. It’s wedding season, and when your family belongs to both South Asian and Arab communities, this means that these 3 day affairs will happen not once or twice, but 6 or 7 times a summer.
If you love weddings, it’s a fun time. But oh so tiring. There are different cultural practices* for celebrating the standard Muslim wedding, but many follow this standard format: First there’s the henna or mehndi, where all the women get together to celebrate the bride to be by giving her sweets and their blessings. Henna is put on the feet and hands of the bride (and guests who want it), and the night descends into food and dancing — with some old folk songs to boot.
Next is the nikkah, or religious wedding ceremony, where an imam marries the bride and groom and the community witnesses the event. It tends to take place in a mosque where verses of the Quran are recited, the families agree to the union and a small sermon on the virtues of marriage is given. Naturally, more food is had, and plenty of games or other cultural rites happen with family at home.
But it’s not until day three, at the waleema reception, that the couple are announced as being “married”. The bride wears red and gold and sits with her groom on a stage, while the family head table is off to the side (although this varies). More food is had, more cultural rites are held, more obscure family speeches wear on, more pictures with the family, more cheesy picture slide shows embarrass the new couple and more fun is had by all. *Sometimes a horse, swordplay, dhol performances, 4 costume changes for the bride, bellydancing, plate smashing, debka dancing, coconut jumping or fireworks are thrown in to boot.
That’s the standard so-you-want-all-of-the-trappings-and-religious-cultural-rites-and-buy-into-this-institution-known-as-marriage framework. So what’s a young couple to do if different religions or cultures are coming together?
Well, you bend the rules according to this Star article.
[Mohammad] Dadhisheth, 26, is wearing a suit and Chuck Taylors, standing at the end of the aisle and lip syncing intently. I better find your lovin’, I better find your heart. The music switches, Céline Dion starts to croon and here comes the bride. [Shemara] Ramcharan, 25, is serious and serene. Her dress was pieced together with much thought, like the wedding itself.
The bride is a secular Canadian girl born in Trinidad; the groom an Indian-Canadian boy from a Muslim family. The dress represents a careful balancing of two worlds, almost an art.
It’s Western in style with a long train, but deep red with a jewelled Indian veil. Her hands are covered in henna — somewhere in there are Dadhisheth’s initials, which he must find later that night, when they are finally alone — and holding a bouquet of white calla lilies.
She was happy to be married in an Indian Muslim tradition, and her mother, a West Indian woman who loves East Indian culture, didn’t mind either. But there were some things this bride couldn’t go without.
“At the end of the day, you still want to walk down the aisle and do something, whether it’s religious or not,” she says.
“How can we do this without offending anyone?” the couple wondered. And how, at the end of it all, could they sit back and still feel that their wedding was their own?
The article goes on to describe how the couple had their nikkah in separate rooms, and the bride was informed when the deed was done, implying that she was married religiously with someone speaking on her behalf (she got to hear the ceremony over a cellphone speaker). The couple also painstakingly constructed a beautiful non-denominational ceremony so that the bride could “walk down the aisle” without offending any of the groom’s “traditional Muslim family.”
It doesn’t matter if you’re deeply religious or completely secular — at some point in your life, there may be a need for some kind of devotional or sacred rite to help mark the passing of a milestone: a naming ceremony, a tea ceremony, a candle lighting ceremony, a tying of hands, a laying of hands, a memorial for the goldfish, a baptism, non-denominational marriage renewal, vows, calling of the four corners, a survivor tattoo, etc. This secular, Christian bride married a Muslim with a traditional family (a Muslim male can marry a “person of the book” — Christian, Jew, and some scholars include Hindu and Buddhist. Yeah, I said male. Female Muslims marrying outside the religion is a whole other kettle of fish), and they felt that certain personal, traditional beliefs should be bent to accommodate their wishes for a perfect wedding.
The Islamic wedding ceremony itself is a very simple and legal arrangement: an agreement is made between the bride and groom (or representatives), a mahr, or “gift to the bride” (NOT to be confused with the notion of “bride price”) is decided upon, a contract may be drawn up and once the parties agree, the partnership is announced to the community. This leaves the manner in which you celebrate completely open to cultural interpretation and practice. But there is no walking down the aisle. It’s just a plain, old legal agreement.
When Hubby and I got married we wanted to make sure that our four cultures melded and that I could wear a white dress and walk down the aisle. I wanted all of my family and friends to witness our marriage without being segregated in a mosque. It is not necessary for weddings to be segregated, as it’s simply a meeting of the community to witness a legal act — but because it’s also religious ceremony, many feel that it is important to maintain the segregation you would otherwise find within devotional Islamic acts. I’ve heard of people being married in separate rooms before, and thought it was too outrageous to ask of my absolutely non-Muslim family.
So I called around to the mosques in our area to see who would be able to host a wedding ceremony and allow men and women to sit together. I didn’t find a single one. This development actually simplified things for us. Instead of having the religious wedding on day 2 and the reception on day 3 (yowch.. who has the money for that!?!?), we combined the two.
We got married at the reception.
You don’t need a mosque to get married. God is everywhere. So once all of the guests arrived and were seated, Hubby and his father took to the stage to await my arrival. Hubby entered to a traditional Arabic religious nasheed (devotional song) and his groomsmen lined the stage. My bridesmaids joined them and then my mother and father walked me down the aisle to a lovely version of Star of the County Down (listen to it here!), and I took to the stage beside my Hubby-to-be while holding my bouquet and a mini Qur’an (pictured above).
A good friend recited the Qur’an, the imam (that we called in specifically from Kingston because we love his moderate outlook of Islam) took a few moments to give a sermon on marriage, asked us to repeat the vows necessary for the marriage ceremony (essentially to start by testifying to your Islamic belief, and then to say 3 times: Do you agree to marry so-and-so? Yes. Yes. Yes.), we signed the civil papers, and TA-DAH! We were married in front of all of our guests.
As for the “White Wedding” — well, we compromised on the decor. I got to have my roses and calla lilly centre pieces, and Hubby got his traditional Indian mandap stage dressing.
Instead of wearing a dress of red and gold brocade, I wore a Western white wedding dress and had it altered to accommodate my hijab. I had a bolero jacket with a high collar made to match, wore my white hijab in a bun style and clipped the veil to the back. My bridesmaids wore the traditional colours of red and gold brocade.
Sadly, I did not have a henna party or dancing at the reception. There was a death in Hubby’s close family just days before the wedding, and we thought it best that some of the festivities be toned down.
I’m very happy for this couple. They seem vibrant, young, fully in love and that they had a great time at their wedding.
August 6, 2010 at 5:15 pm
Thanks for sharing the story of your wedding! You and your hubby seem to be very tolerant about cultural differences. Love that!
I never had a traditional Muslim wedding in spite of marrying my ex 3 times (!!). And yes, I divorced him 3 times as well. 😉
I think the Asian Muslim weddings are so much more fun than the traditional Moroccan weddings, because they are really quite boring. 😦
I could go on for ages talking about cultural differences, it’s one of my favorite subjects. 😀 But I’ll leave that to another day.
Take care ukhti!
August 17, 2010 at 6:24 pm
That’s you in the photo with the white? You are STUNNING. Absolutely gorgeous.
August 17, 2010 at 8:15 pm
It is… And thank you!
January 25, 2011 at 5:49 pm
I scrolled down to say what’s already been said–you look strikingly beautiful, mash’Allah!
I’m going to skip over the part about Muslim men marrying People of the Book (because I’m afraid I’ll rant) and instead ask you about this:
“they felt that certain personal, traditional beliefs should be bent to accommodate their wishes for a perfect wedding”
I thought the only requirement for a wedding to be Islamically executed is an imam performing the ceremony. (And I read somewhere about feeding the poor.) Isn’t all the other stuff–the decorations, the food, the three-day celebration, etc. cultural? Can’t you add a row of bridesmaids and wedding vows without being unIslamic?
January 25, 2011 at 10:03 pm
From what I remember of the article, it was pretty sensationalist, “oh my goodness, look Muslims bending the rules to be inclusive! awesome!” Where in fact, the marriage ceremony is really only a legal contract (which makes for a boring article and wedding).
You’re right, everything else is fair play. Which is why I mentioned only traditional beliefs, which includes culture, and not Islamic beliefs.
Even though it all is fair play, in almost every wedding I’ve attended I’ve come across interesting cultural practices that are always conflated with religion: the colour of the dress, holding the Qur’an, coconuts VS rice, etc.
When a milestone is supposed to be blessed or “performed” in the eyes of God, people tend to get very protective of their cultural rituals — and may even believe that an improper execution of the cultural ritual will result in a religiously incomplete wedding.
July 2, 2011 at 2:21 pm
i love what i just read! I need help figuring something out! My soon-to-be husband is muslim but i am not although i’ve spent many days in the masjid with friends and his family. We want to do a nikah to honor islam and his family, and we also want to do a white wedding to honor my side of the family. The dilemma is, how do we have the nikah without the actual marriage civil license from the court, and then have the white wedding with a judge and a marriage license. We really want to do both! Please help. Thank you, Aliya
July 2, 2011 at 10:57 pm
Hi Aliya!
If both sides of the family are on board, I suppose then it just depends on where you live and which laws of the land have to be fulfilled.
The Islamic marriage is a contract held between two people before God and witnesses, and does not need a civil document to be valid. Though, this depends on the imam who is marrying you. Many credited imams in Canada won’t marry a couple unless there’s a civil document to sign as well — or at least to be performed with the intention of having a civil marriage later.
Without getting into too much detail (do you want to have a church/mosque ceremony? a simple dash to the judge’s chambers? What cultural aspects will you be combining? Are you converting? Sunni/Shia/Isma’ili?), because I really don’t know your personal details, let me just share scenarios that I’ve seen work with friends of mine.
Last year a cousin of the Hubby had her nikkah done at a mosque. The imam gave a sermon, performed the religious ceremony, and we all ate cake. Having religious sanction, the couple took this year to get to know each other and plan their wedding (like an engagement period). This past week, the couple had their official civil marriage at a banquet hall. The same imam was at the wedding reception, witnessed and processed their signing of the civil documents. They signed, exchanged rings, and cut the cake. It was lovely 🙂
A good friend of mine married a non-Muslim. His fiance wanted to have the signing of the civil ceremony at the nikkah, because she felt there wasn’t enough *umph* to the Islamic ceremony without the pomp and circumstance of signing a legal document. They had the nikkah during an afternoon ceremony at the mosque, in-between the noon and afternoon prayers. The imam married them, and they signed the legal documents. The next day they held an afternoon ceremony at a reception hall. A good friend facilitated a very brief white wedding — much like what a judge or a minister would do, but without a signing. The bride was walked down the aisle, they exchanged vows, friends read passages of their favourite poems, songs were performed and then they exchanged rings. Then they ran off to get their park pictures done, and a full reception was held that evening at the same venue. Also very lovely!
Finally, two convert friends of mine got married in the UK by really combining the two ceremonies. It was your typical white church wedding, except it wasn’t a church but a castle, and the minister was an imam. The groom stood with his groomsmen, the imam and the bridesmaids at the “altar/podium” and the bride was walked down the aisle by her father. There was even a baby flower girl. The imam gave a lovely sermon, performed the Islamic ceremony, they signed the civil documents, they exchanged rings, and were married! Exited the castle in the typical western wedding style by walking down the aisle together as a married couple with people blowing bubbles and throwing rose petals. That evening they had the reception. A really wonderful wedding.
The Islamic ceremony is brief. It’s a legal contract — so you can make your wedding as elaborate or as simple as you want.
Hope this helps! Congratulations, good luck and please email if you have any more questions 🙂
March 7, 2013 at 12:21 am
[…] why then are people surprised when entire families stop attending the mosque? The Hubby and I refused to get married at a mosque because we wanted a mixed setting — one where my non-Muslim parents could sit together during […]
March 7, 2013 at 5:20 am
“people tend to get very protective of their cultural rituals — and may even believe that an improper execution of the cultural ritual will result in a religiously incomplete wedding.” so true! when my husband and I got married it was as if without a 100% malay wedding our wedding would not be valid at all, or bending to “Western culture”. Nevermind that Malay weddings have rings and evening gowns/suits.
Stories of compromise and cultural collaboration always warm my heart 🙂
December 11, 2013 at 5:14 pm
Thank you for your insight! Would it be possible to get the name and number of the imam you know in Kingston? I am getting married in Ottawa and am having a hard time connecting with a moderate imam.