Asleep on her own.
Some say breastfeeding is a relationship. It has ups and downs and if it’s no longer working for one of the people involved, perhaps it’s time for a reevaluation.
Since day one I loved nursing Eryn. I had no “plan” as to how long we would nurse and one day I woke up to nursing a toddler. And I was okay with that. Then Ivy came along and I cried when Eryn cried for me — begging me to give the baby to Baba. So I nursed both.
So far I’ve been lucky with tandem nursing — both girls will nurse and fall asleep. It’s heaven having a couple of hours to myself to sleep, clean, or these days, read Qur’an. And with Eryn, we’ve gotten to the point where she nurses only 10 minutes before nap and bed time. I’ve always just followed her lead, and she’s accepted my suggestions when I’ve said we’re only going to nurse for one or two lullaby’s.
So maybe she’s weaning herself and I’m not the worst mother in the world.
But today I felt like I was.
Recently Eryn has been using nursing as an excuse to get me all to herself, pushing Ivy out of the way — and I’ve been secretly resenting the extra time she spends at the breast. It makes me feel manipulated and irrationally, that she’s “stealing” milk from Ivy. Especially when she doesn’t get what she wants (a candy or a video), Eryn will pretend to be tired just to have her “num-nyah” and after a few lullaby’s will jump up to play outside. I’m not cool with that.
At first I thought she was adjusting her nap time — phasing it out now that she’s almost three. But I soon realised she was manipulating the situation. I would have no problem nursing Eryn if she asked because she really needed to nurse. I’d never refuse her comfort. But she’s pretending. And after an hour, when she really is tired for her nap, she’ll ask to nurse all over again.
I know part of it is sleep association, part of it is missing me and part of it is jealousy for all the time Ivy gets to be in my arms. So I’ve been giving Eryn extra cuddles, reassurances and special play time as well as nursing.
But today at nap time I lost it. And my heart breaks.
I was trying to get a hungry Ivy to latch when Eryn took up her customary nursing position. Ivy became fussy and there was just something in Eryn’s sucking pattern that annoyed me, so I shouted:
Stop it, just stop it Eryn! I just DON’T LIKE IT ANYMORE!
Eryn looked at me. Then her mouth started to turn into a pout. I winced, preparing my soul to be crushed by a onslaught of tears. But she flopped down beside me and threw my arm over her eyes.
I told her two favourite stories, she giggled and then I told her I loved her. I love you too she said, and then she fell asleep.
And for a moment I felt relief that she just might be ready to wean — but that it came at the price of me being a shouty, impatient mom.
It was a perfectly okay nap time arrangement — but I still feel horrible. It’s like I’ve broken up with my best friend and I have no idea what I’m going to say to her the next time she wants to nurse to go to sleep.
And I want to cry imagining that I’ll never hold Eryn in my arms and watch her stroke Ivy’s head while the both of them nurse in perfect harmony.
July 23, 2012 at 5:52 pm
i know you don’t need reassurance, but you are a wonderful mother and eryn only craves ur time so much bc she can feel the love u have for her emanate to the atmosphere around u and penetrate into her core. mashallah. weaning is a part of life…and sometimes – whether we are children or as adults, we need a louder than normal voice to snap us out of one stage and move gracefully to the next. how beautiful is it that we move from one stage of life to another. indeed, with every move there is pain in leaving what will now be the past..but just imagine how beautiful what life has in store is…even with its challenges, humans thrive on change. otherwise we would all be fine with being the elephant and zebra at the masaai mara – same surrounding same everything for centuries upon centuries. that’s not us humans. just think…eryn riding a bike on her own rushing towards u with the biggest smile on her face. sooner than u think. no matter what age – she will never feel more safe than in ur arms…at 3 or 30. may allah protect your beautiful children.
July 24, 2012 at 12:10 am
Thank you for a beautiful and insightful comment Eye — Allahi baarik feek and Amin!
July 23, 2012 at 11:36 pm
This made me cry and hold my own baby a little tighter. Ah the heartbreak of being a mother.
July 24, 2012 at 2:58 am
This is heart breaking but part of the plan. Perhaps this will explain the concept of sharing to your gracious little one even more.
July 24, 2012 at 12:28 pm
You are a GREAT mom, m’A. All the reasons I can think of would max out the comment box’s character count.
A weaning tip someone gave me the other day that she said worked great for her 4 kids: tell the toddler that starting tomorrow you can only nurse after the sun goes down. That way it can be a fun thing to do to rush to the window together to check on the sun, be sad together it’s not time to nurse yet, and then be happy when “that silly sun” goes down already. Maybe it’s a bit dishonest, because it’s not really the sun’s fault that it’s not nursing time, but I see how it could be a gentle way of leading her out. It could be Eryn’s way of participating in Ramadan?
Good luck. And don’t worry… i’A Eryn will always be loving you in one continuous stream flowing since the first time she ever latched.
July 27, 2012 at 3:44 pm
That’s a great idea Emily
Thanks!!
July 26, 2012 at 12:54 pm
You are a fab mama. Seriously. I didnt BF long term, so I dont know what youre going through, but I iamgine it hurts
Oh my look at those chubby little legs!!!!! So cute!!! MashAllah.
August 4, 2012 at 2:30 pm
I still have nt had a second child but I am still nursing my almost 4 year old as well. It is such a mixed bag! Many days I am JUST DONE and want to tell him to it it out and then I remember how good his little head smells etc. I think the hardest part of being a mom has been remembering that I have a right to be myself and that means sometimes lose my cool. I use it as a way to teach that people have strong emotions and kids need to learn that too. Inshallah your kids will make their way…and I sure everyone will be ok in the end.
August 4, 2012 at 2:31 pm
Sorry typo. He is almost 3 not 4
August 21, 2012 at 2:01 pm
Salaam,
Love your blog, and this post is wonderful! Might you consider expanding it as a cross-post for the ‘Love InshAllah’ blog? Details at:
http://loveinshallah.com/submit/
Contact us at stories@loveinshAllah.com & we can discuss
Warmly,
Ayesha
December 31, 2012 at 1:54 am
[...] it does). There was also my struggle with Eryn’s princess hijab and the realization that I no longer wanted to nurse her. I also wrote a note to my dear Ramadan Feminist Dads imploring for a little understanding when [...]