I wrap my baby
in a large pink shawl
The light fringes brush
against her cheek
as she sighs soundly.
Eyes shut tight
against the darkness of the world.
A new dress
on this eve of ‘Eid
is laid out for her to wear.
Red and blue flowers.
Golden hued slippers.
(she sighs again)
And my throat tightens.
And my fingers grip the crib’s edge.
And a pain clenches my heart,
beating, beating, beating.
Because you are not wrapping your baby tonight.
And they will tell you:
“It happened on the best of days.”
“The holiest of days.”
“Subhan’Allah.”
And this is true.
But I wish for you,
I had the power to take it back.
A million Hajjis cried on the mountain today.
Begging for forgiveness.
For freedom from the hellfire.
For loved ones lost.
For happiness.
The tears of a million Hajjis
can barely equal that moment.
That moment your soul split.
Beseeching, begging. Begging.
(for it not to be true)
While you screamed wordlessly at the sky.
Subhan’Allah, that moment.
That crystal moment.
The very second you sensed
something was wrong.
Your heart shattered.
Like Hagar you ran.
You ran because you both had hope.
Desperately. Desperately. Desperate.
Pleading with every ember,
with the Rahma only a mother could possess.
You ran.
But unlike Hagar
there is no cooling water for you.
Not here.
Not yet.
But Allah is carrying you.
He has to be.
Because He is carrying your baby now.
And He is closest to us
on this day.
We come from God.
We go back to God.
So I plead with Allah
to cool your eyes
to soothe your heart
to repair your soul.
(to hold your life)
And to be with you
on the day you commit him to the ground.
To accept your prayers.
To give you cool water.
When you wrap your baby for the last time.
So exalted is He in whose hand is the realm of all things, and to Him you will be returned. [36:83]
October 26, 2012 at 1:50 am
That’s a very powerful prayer, although I am not sure that I fully understand it.
It sounds also very disturbing and very distressing.
I pray you and your family have a blessed Eid. Eid Mubarak!
October 26, 2012 at 1:55 am
It is my friend, it is. Someone close lost her infant today. Islamic tradition holds that a body is washed and then wrapped before burial. Prayers or good vibes are very welcomed for the little one and his family.
October 26, 2012 at 5:02 am
How terrible! I guessed you were talking about a very tragic event. I am keeping your friends in my thoughts and prayers. Sometimes there are no words …
October 26, 2012 at 3:11 pm
I had chills reading this. So well written, mashallah
October 27, 2012 at 2:06 pm
sis this made me cry, subhanAllah, what happened? Who do we need to make dua for? does the mother and family need anything?
inna lillahi wa inna alayhi rajiyoon
May Allah grant the mother and family strength, and sabr, and may he grant the baby jannatul firdaus.
Ameen
October 27, 2012 at 6:22 pm
inna illahi wa inna ilayhi raji’oon and may Allah swt grant baby’s family sabr and baby jannah firadous.
And may Allah bless you and your family always, a very loving prayer to a hurting friend.
Ameen.
October 29, 2012 at 1:33 am
Fron Him we come and to Him we return.
Im having difficulty finding words. Please know that my deepest thoughts, sympathies and most importantly prayers are with you, and with the baby’s mother.
I’m here for you.
xo
October 30, 2012 at 3:33 am
Asalamu Alaykom,
I understood every word. My good friend lost her daughter in ’09 and the event forever changed me. I wrote a poem too because sometimes you simply can’t write out of your head—it has to be from your heart.
http://afterhardship.blogspot.com/2009/05/hanging-basket-of-impatiens.html
inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun.
I wrote other posts about the situation. If you want to read them, they are in my archives http://afterhardship.blogspot.com/2009_02_01_archive.html
Reading what you wrote made me re-read what I had written. It was subhanallah a very dear time to me.
What I can tell you now—-that I didn’t know then—is that the death of that dear child was a catalyst for her mother (my friend). She stopped whatever was happening in her life that took her away from God. She got closer to her faith and embraced Islam. Before, she had only been married to a Muslim. After, she became Muslim. The difference has made her more at peace even though she went through wrenching heartache.
Thanks for writing what you did. I appreciate your blog. I’ve placed it on my sidebar under, “Everyday Searchers,”.
Love and Light