My recent post on creating a child-like Ramadan generated a lot of attention on Twitter and Facebook — with many commenting about the frustrating balance between motherhood and the sometimes unfair expectations placed upon mothers during Ramadan — usually at the expense of their spirituality. I thought it might be productive to create spaces where people could share stories, commiserate, debate or come up with plans of action to address the issue. Especially now that we’ve entered the last 10 days of Ramadan.
I’ve teamed up with the amazing Asiah Kelley, to explore some of the problems in the discourse on motherhood and Ramadan — which we’ll look at over the next two posts. Asiah Kelley is a fantastic person and mother and I am honoured to share her work with all of you. Please join me in welcoming her as she shares her thoughts and reflections on the importance of recognizing motherhood spirituality.
Ramadan is supposed to be the month of mercy. But for many mothers and wives, it can feel merciless. The work is unrelenting — food preparation, child care, house work, and all the while trying to fit in any act of worship possible.
Muslims start mentally and physically preparing for Ramadan at least a month ahead of time. The excitement builds as people think of all the food they will eat, and all the events they will go to. Young girls shop and prepare their outfits for the different parties they will attend. Boys think of the fun they will have staying up late nights with their friends, while sleeping it off the next day. But mothers? They just might tell you that Ramadan is met with a sense of dread. All the expectations — their family’s and their own, are hard to live up to.
Something has to give, and that something is usually the mother.
Ramadan crept up on me this year. My husband came home from the store with $45 worth of Gatorade, and I was more than confused until he said “For Ramadan? It starts next week.” I guess I knew on some level that it was coming, but had been ignoring it. In fact, I was dreading it. Since having my daughter two years prior I had slowly sunk into an iman hole. My faith was shot.
Ramadan wasn’t a welcome friend, it was a reminder of how bad of a Muslim I considered myself to be.
When you have a baby, everyone tells you how your life will change: your relationship with your spouse, your family, your career and studies, your body, the amount of time you have to yourself. But what no one tells you, what is rarely talked about in Muslim circles, is that motherhood will change your relationship with God.
While I was eight months pregnant, I remember attending Tarawih prayers and needing to sit in a chair to pray. That’s when a voice in the back of my mind started up: “I already can’t fast, and now I’m sitting in a chair to pray?” Snippets of Qur’an and hadith flew through my thoughts; “it is better to fast, if only you knew” and “a prayer standing is better than a prayer sitting.”
I knew that having my baby and nourishing her with my body and my time was an act of worship. And yet, weren’t those other things true too? Wasn’t there more I could be doing?
This is the time when the ghost of The Ideal Muslimah™ begins to haunt new mothers.
Numerous books have been written about the “Mommy Myth” — the idea of the perfect wife and mother. But Muslim women have one up on that — they have to deal with the model of The Ideal Muslimah™. She prays her obligatory prayers on time, and then follows them up with the maximum amount of voluntary prayers. She finishes the Qur’an once every 30 days, fasts Mondays, Thursdays and the 13th, 14th, and 15th of every lunar month. She has perfect hijab and fashion, but nothing too tight or immodest. She wears makeup and dresses up for her husband every day, never giving the angels an excuse to curse her. She has a fresh home cooked meal ready at 5:30 pm sharp, with her 10+ kids lined up clean and ready to eat. She volunteers at the masjid, studies Islam in her free time, and works from home to be able to contribute money to the household, which she does of her own free will.
And of course in Ramadan, she is doing all that PLUS MORE! Because who would want to loose out on all the extra blessing that the month brings?
If that’s the ideal, then it’s no wonder the reality can make women feel so spiritually destitute: living in pajamas, getting less than four hours of sleep on average, having no time to even use the bathroom, sacrificing sleep and getting up for fajr only to miss it because the baby is crying. Showers are a luxury and you wear spit-up like perfume so that your husband asks “why do you smell like cheese?” The house is a mess and the good intentions of cooking meals causes food in the fridge to rot while you eat your third take-out of the week.
So many mothers blame themselves when they don’t measure up to the ideal. What’s worse is that no one talks about this. Perhaps we are afraid that all our fears about being bad mothers will be confirmed. Additionally, it’s such a source of pride when other women think we have it all together, that we often don’t want to correct them on what really happens at home. So the myth is perpetuated and mothers continue to suffer in silence.
It’s not being compared to The Ideal Muslimah™ by others that hurts — it’s that mothers internalize this model, believing this is the only way we should be living. If only we were able to do everything perfectly, we would be happy, spiritually fulfilled, and feel God’s pleasure with us for striving in His way. When we compare ourselves to the ideal and lower the positive value of our own mothering models, iman can sink.
Having a baby can be the most life changing event in a woman’s life. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually, it can be a very trying time. And yet for many new mothers, this is when she recieves the least emotional and spiritual support.
Most masjids are not set up to accommodate women, let alone women with children. Those that do, may not provide women with easy access to the imam, or have qualified counselors or chaplains available to talk to. When turning to scholars or teachers, whether through books or lectures, women with children are not the target audience. Mothers are just not seen as spiritual beings, with their own connection with God to nurture and tend to.
Traditional Muslim scholarly discourse pertaining to women tends to simply extol the virtues of her staying in her home and serving her family, which only aids in distancing women further from the community and the religion. Imagine a woman who has a hard time leaving her house — struggling to be able to attend Friday prayer in order to feel a connection to community — only to be sat in a closed off room, glared at if her children dare make a sound, and told that it’s better for her to pray in her home anyway. This type of thinking is hurting our women, their faith, and in some cases even their Islam.
Mothers sometimes begin to fall into iman holes: isolation from the community, disruptions and distractions during attempts at worship, and less solitary time, can lead to questions of how any of this is fair. How could a Just God prescribe a way of life that is impossible to live up to? How can we be mothers and still good Muslims?
The answer we are given is that raising and serving our family are our acts of worship, and that we are creating the next generation of believers.The good deeds of our children, and all their future generations will count on our behalf, so there is no need to worry about our own faith. In reality, when the mother’s faith is not supported, and she feels distanced from God, the faith of her children will suffer as well. We must start supporting mothers as spiritual beings in their own right, otherwise future communities of Muslims will feel the repercussions.
Ramadan is the perfect time to focus on the issue of motherhood spirituality. It is a month which is meant to intensify our worship, test our spirits and increase our connection to God. Mothers are often left out of the festivities of the month. They become the support staff, the carnival workers tasked with operating the rides and watching while everyone else has fun.
Often Ramadan ends, and instead of feeling closer to God through all the cooking and cleaning “worship” that is has been done, the result is resentment, guilt and sadness. God’s Mercy seems further away than before the month began.
We need to start thinking of mothers as spiritual beings, having religious needs that must be fulfilled. Communities have to start giving support to women in general, with care taken to make sure that those with children are not overlooked. Scholars and teachers need to address mothers directly and come up with better advice than “patience, your sons will honor you when they do great things.” Much of their advice, while based on Qur’an and hadith, is really just imported patriarchy repackaged as piety.
Above all, women and mothers need to realize that they have just as much right to connect with God as their husbands, children, and other family members do. God tells us that He created us to worship Him. There is no footnote in the Qur’an stating “except for women, who He created to make samosas and clean bathrooms.”
Women also need to change approaches to motherhood. The Ideal Muslimah™ is not an attainable model. Thinking of all you should do, will limit what you actually can do. Start thinking of ways that you, as a believer distinct from your family, can draw nearer to God.
Serving our families might always be part of our roles as wives and mothers, however, it should never be at the expense of serving God. We need to find ways to honor our faith responsibilities just as we honor our family responsibilities.
Motherhood should not prevent us from rising to the highest heights our souls can reach.
July 31, 2013 at 11:20 am
I think it’s really important to remember that the original Muslim community did not function as a modern, nuclear family. No woman was ever alone for 12+ hours a day in her home with a child, and no woman ever had the sole responsibly of cleaning, cooking and childcare for her entire household. Traditional societies had a lady of the house, with cooks, nursemaids, other servants, PLUS extended family living either inside the home or close by.
You can’t live a sixth century Arabian lifestyle in 21st century North America. And if you spend all your time trying, you WILL suffer–spiritually, physically, and emotionally.
July 31, 2013 at 7:22 pm
You know, I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Especially given that we know that Muhammad (saw) was given over to a nursemaid when he was young. So many mothers didn’t have to even worry about breastfeeding it seems.
I was happy to see your comment, since I am a bit in awe of some of your feminist/activist side I’ve seen through the interwebs. What kind of advice would you give to women, mothers or not, on how to avoid those pitfalls, and have a fulfilling Ramadan?
July 31, 2013 at 7:37 pm
I think there’s a couple things:
1. First and foremost, forget about The Ideal Muslimah caricature. I have railed against her, too. She doesn’t exist, and the more of us who reject that trope, the happier we will all be. It’s oppressive, unrealistic, and frankly, un-Islamic. Women don’t fit into a single mould–we are individuals before God and no one single ideal (besides the best example of our prophet, PBUH) represents the ideal for for all of us. That means all that Martha Stewart B.S. needs to go out the window. IF you happen to like baking Ramadan cookies, and IF you have time and IF you feel the inclination…do it. Otherwise, fuggeddaboudit! It’s not Sunnah to bake Ramadan cookies, ya know?
2. We need to make sure we clearly communicate what we need from our partners. I find myself getting resentful sometimes at my husband because he’s not picking up the slack, but then when I get angry he says, “Why didn’t you just tell me what you wanted me to do?” Over the years, I’ve learned that you get what you ask for. If you’re not asking for help, you probably won’t get it. Especially from your spouse who is no doubt struggling with the difficulties of Ramadan himself and trying to conserve energy. I think a good talk before the season starts, with some delegation of duties and a game plan is in order.
3. Just from my own experience, I’ve found that the only way I can ever really get through Ramadan is to simplify my life as much as possible in advance of the month, and just go for it. If you need to take a nap in the afternoon, and take your iftaars at the masjid — then just save money on your grocery budget and contribute it there. If you need to eat instant oatmeal for sehri and hire a cleaning lady to come in once a week–do it. I don’t view Ramadan as a ‘holiday’ – it’s a time of intense spiritual discipline… and it’s not supposed to be a non-stop fun. That’s not to say that it’s joyless and dull. But it is to say that I wouldn’t begin Ramadan with any less mental and physical preparation than I would running a marathon.
August 16, 2013 at 1:39 pm
I can’t reply to your follow up for some reason. But just wanted to say I appreciated it. Esp talking to our spouses. So many times we can talk about the macro level, that women are expected to do such and such etc, but we need to ask ourselves why are WE expected to do such and such by our spouses, families? Maybe the beginning of reform is just to have a conversation at our house.
And love the idea of Ramadan as a marathon. So true. There have been some people making Ramadan game plans and such, and people who are serious about athletics do the same. It’s such a good idea to make specific plans for ourselves, outlining what we want out of the month and what we CAN do, not “should”, but realistically.
Although I have to admit for me that meant making cookies. Def made the month feel more like a holiday. And each person is different 😉
July 31, 2013 at 11:23 am
This is a wonderful post, it really touches me because I have been experiencing this myself lately. Between being isolated because of where we live and my dreading all the work of the month, there is nothing pleasant about Ramadan for me. It has been hard for me to admit that, but now that I also work I have decided it is time I face it. I have often said that it simply can’t be right (these expectations) because why would woman ever get married if we knew that we would be expected to do all these things?
I wish there was a simple answer. But even though I don’t have one, I know it starts with dialogs like this.
July 31, 2013 at 7:12 pm
Always so heartbreaking to hear. But I find that it is better “face it,” then maybe something can be done. I kept expecting things to be like they were before I was married and had kids, and when they weren’t, I thought something was wrong with me.
I think you have said it so perfectly, that just by raising these questions, we can start to find answers. I hope that more moms start talking about these things. Even if we can only create a community of support online, it is a start.
July 31, 2013 at 12:45 pm
Thank you for writing this. It is my first pregnant Ramadan and I feel like I completely missed it 😦
July 31, 2013 at 7:18 pm
I’m so sorry. I know many of us know how that feels. And for me, reading all the “advice” for pregnant mothers only hurt more. Make iftars! Do more work for others! I pray you can find peace, even if only with the idea that you “missed” it. It’s can be so hard, I know. But avoid the tendency that women have to blame themselves. You are doing amazing things.
July 31, 2013 at 4:42 pm
Subhana Allah, this has crossed my minds several times. One of my teachers could not have said it better:
“When she has her first baby, she must manage for another life even more dependent on her personal sacrifices. By the second, third, or fourth child, her days and nights belong almost entirely to others. Whether she has a spiritual path or not, such a mother can seldom resist a glance at the past, when there were more prayers, more meanings, more spiritual company, and more serenity. When Allah opens her understanding, she will see that she is engaged in one of the highest forms of worship, that of producing new believers who love and worship Allah. She is effectively worshipping Allah for as many lifetimes she has children, for the reward of every spiritual work her children do will be hers, without this diminishing anything of their own rewards: every ablution, every prayer, every Ramadan, every hajj, and even the works her children will in turn pass on to their offspring, and, so on till the end of time. Even if her children do not turn out as she wishes, she shall be requited in paradise forever according to her intention in raising them, which was that they should be godly.
Aside from the tremendous reward, within the path itself it is noticeable that many of those who benefit most from khalwa or ‘solitary retreat of dhikr’ are women who have raised children. With only a little daily dhikr and worship over the years, but much toil and sacrifice for others, they surpass many a younger person who has had more free time, effort, and ‘spiritual works.’ What they find is greater because their state with Allah is greater; namely, the awe, hope, and love of the Divine they have realized by years of sincerity to Him.” Shaykh Nuh Ha Mim Keller
July 31, 2013 at 7:25 pm
Yes thank you for this. I especially like the second part. I wish he or other scholars would expand on other models that mothers can follow that will make them feel they are not missing out on community, fellowship, and studies.
July 31, 2013 at 8:09 pm
Assalamu’alaikum ladies and mothers,
This post was great in the sense it lets sisters know they’re not alone in the pit. As a mother of 5 I completely connected with the experiences listed!
Still, it’s important that we not only point out our spiritual troubles but offer solutions as well.
The basic key to our deen is that Allah has created a large number of ways for us to be successful in this life. We need to stop trying to commit to 30 different daily habits and, instead, focus more on a few easy good deeds that we can actually maintain. That and stay away from major wrong actions.
Remember the story of the prostitute who quenched the dog’s great thirst? She was forgiven by Allah based on her sincere good action toward His creature. It doesn’t mean we can get away with sinning – who knows, maybe this prostitute was raised up in such an environment and had no other knowledge of what life is supposed to be like? She must have some excuse with Allah, but this kind gesture toward the dog was enough to save her despite her sin.
So why try to be a superhero? Find that one or a few deeds that are easy to habitualize and stick to them! Certainly the reward of the mother who cooks and cleans her home for her spouse and children cannot be belittled, whether she feels the effect of her hard work yet or not. And not near as many Muslims in the world have cooks and maids as those who are so fortunate, so I would strongly argue against that point.
At the end of the day, there are hundreds of good deeds to choose from, and no one is expected to be able to perform every one. Our Prophet (saw) taught us that Allah loves more the smaller deeds that are consistent than the larger deeds that cause the all-familiar crash-and-burn. Just pick what is easy and make it a habit. Allah knows all of our conditions and His mercy is so great. Don’t let Shaytaan (and your affected self) make you feel bad because you can’t do more.
The last piece of advice that I can think of this minute is that Ramadan is full of opportunity to gain reward and seek forgiveness from Allah – and it’s never too late right up until the end!! Whatever has occurred this Ramadan, however we fell short of our Ramadan goals or even if we haven’t done anything thus far – it is literally never too late to pick it up and make a start!
Allah is so merciful that He even gave us the Eid night when Ramadan is technically finished, odd nights and all! Many don’t realize this, but we get similar rewards the night the moon is sighted for Eid as we get in the odd nights of the last 10 nights of Ramadan. It is literally not too late even if Ramadan was not your personal best!
In closing, we have to remember as mothers that Allah have us this position b/c we are the best for it. Our children and husband need to eat, so try to take pride in cooking for them – and this is coming from a mother of 5 (kids between 4 and 12), not some inexperienced imam. Men also still have to go to their jobs in the day, get up at 7 when they just slept at 4:30am from a night of worship – their ‘job’ is also difficult, so we should remember that as well.
I hope this inspired at least one mother out there ❤
August 1, 2013 at 9:32 am
It’s such a great reminder that the little deeds done often are not overlooked by Allah. I think therein lies to the keys for mothers, for finding time for worship or connecting to God – little moments or actions done for themselves and their creator daily. Trying to do so much will only burn us out, as you say.
And it’s good to remember that husbands also can have it rough. Family stress can put pressure on anyone, even the children as they get older. So it’s good to remember to support one another.
A friend of mine noted that just as a wife’s support of her family is worship, so is a husband’s support of his family. Often we think his job is only his career, and his community worship duties. However, just like his wife, his most important worship and “job” lies in the home.
Thank you for this reminder 🙂
August 1, 2013 at 3:50 am
Salaam,
I love this article. Thank you for voicing a lot of how mothers feel during Ramadan. I too gave up on the ‘Ideal Muslimah’ character long after I had my 2nd child. The more I was trying to be her…the more I was failing. I agree with Angela above though that there are many ways to gain reward, we only have to seek it.
I have been writing about my own struggles during Ramadan on my blog and your article resonates pretty much my sentiments.
Finally a request please, may I post this article on my blog?
Jazak Allah Khair!
August 1, 2013 at 7:12 pm
wa alaikum assalaam 🙂
I am happy you found benefit in the article.
I would love to keep the discussion going here. So I wouldn’t mind you posting a link to this page, or part of the article text with a link back to this page. Thanks for asking 🙂
August 1, 2013 at 10:11 am
Salamalaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh my precious sister
I want to advise you in private my dear, so please don’t post this comment. Just give it a read and mail me if you want to reply.
Why does Ramadan feel merciless to you, dear sister?You say you dread it, ignore it, it is not a welcome friend? SubhanAllah, its the month of mercy. We have so many ahaadeeth about its importance and its blessings.. So why should there be an ounce of doubt in us regarding that?
Our children are one of the biggest blessings of Allah the Most Merciful on us. Why should having a baby shoot our faith? Sink us into an iman hole? Unless of course if it is a medical condition due to our hormones, etc, which is a completely different situtation for which we should get medical treatment.
If we think Allah has placed all these unreasonable expectations on us, and He is unjust to us women, how do we expect to qualify for His Love? SubhanAllah, He is the Most Merciful. Even more merciful than yourself to your own self. How could He treat you unfairly?
Ramadan is in fact a bonus period for us. Its like an extra life, an entry into a bonus zone where we just have to collect gold coins and not worry about any bad guys.. Yes I am a mother of two boys Alhamdulillah.
So you pray 2 rakah in Ramadan and you are rewarded many many times over. If you can’t fast because of your pregnancy or because you are nursing, don’t. If you can’t pray standing, sit. If you can’t pray taraweeh in the masjid, pray at home. If the baby wakes up and doesn’t let you pray at 9pm, pray at 9:30 or 10 or 11 or 12. If you don’t get a chance the whole night, subhanAllah, no problem! It is a voluntary prayer sis.
Please my dear sister, don’t be so hard on yourself. I’ve been there, every mother has. InshAllah on the day of judgement, when we will meet Allah, it is then that we will come to know how much we have been rewarded by Allah for our patience.
Only Rasoolullah SallAllahu alaihi wasallam is ideal, the rest of us are trying to be like him. We need to be sure of what is obligatory versus what is non-obligatory.
So what if the kids look a little messy, or if the house is not as clean as you keep it normally, or the food is something that you just dunked in the slow cooker? No problem dear.
SubhanAllah, these same kids are going to grow up soon inshAllah. They are going to be independent of you, busy with their own work, and you will have all the time for your Quran reading, taraweeh in the masjid, relaxing baths, proper meals, all that fun stuff! Handling young kids is tough sister, it is, but there is abundant reward in it.
I agree with you that masjids should accommodate mothers with their children, but we must remember that if we dont have such arrangements, we just pray at home. Yes, we do feel a little left out, but thats what the ajr is for. You are staying at home and praying taraweeh while the rest of the masjid can pray without being naturally disturbed by your children. And Allah the Most Merciful and the Appreciative will not reward you for that!?
At the same time, masjid-goers need to be patient with the mothers who are praying at the masjid. SubhanAllah, in all this we have a perfect example in our beloved Prophet Muhammad SallAllahu alaihi wasallam, who shortened his salah when he heard a child crying. SubhanAllah.. So the kid was at the masjid,… hmmm….
I wonder who is giving you answers like, ‘we women don’t need to worry about our own faith’… That is so misleading, sister. May Allah guide the person who told you that.
Yes, we do have to take care of our iman, and that should be the first thing we do! Everyone else, our kids, our husbands, everyone is secondary.
But the advice to be patient is spot-on sister. Yes, we have to be patient until our children grow up, patient until our situation changes, patient until we reach Jannah InshAllah.
How is it possible that advice based on Quran and Sunnah seems as patriarchy packaged as piety? Allah is the Most Just and He has sent us a messenger who is really a sincere wellwisher to us.
Allah is AlHakeem the Most Wise, and He will never give us something impossible to achieve because He never burdens a soul more than what it can bear. There is nothing impossible about being a good Muslim woman. I am sure you are one. But we will all have our shortcomings. No problem with that. We can’t expect to be perfect because perfection will be in Jannah, sister.
SubhanAllah, are we mothers being ungrateful to Allah? Lets please ask ourself this. What are the biggest problems for us, that we have kids? Husbands? A house to look after? A bathroom to clean? We don’t have to look very far away to see women without all these blessings. Ask a sister who doesn;t have these things….
And not to forget, the greatest blessing of Allah on us – the blessing of Islam. Alhamdulillah we are Muslims – we are the ladies who have submitted ourselves to Allah. Lets please please remember that.
Some advice for me first and then you my dear sister – please seek knowledge about Allah, and His Messenger sallAllahu alaihi wasallam, with an open heart and mind. Ask Allah to ease your problems for you and for Him to make you firm upon Islam. Ask Him to put love of His deen in you and acceptance of His commands.
I pray that you forgive me if I have hurt you in any way. Allah knows I need all this advice before you!
Love you for the sake of Allah.
August 1, 2013 at 10:24 am
Salaams Umm,
I don’t have an approvals process for comments on the blog — so comments appear automatically. I think there is much wisdom, caring and love in your comment and your perspective is much appreciated. So I’d actually like to keep it posted if that’s okay with you.
Let me know ASAP if you wish me to remove it and I will pass the message to the author of the post.
August 1, 2013 at 12:38 pm
Thank u jazakillah khair. U can keep my comment as long as the author is fine with it.
August 1, 2013 at 10:51 am
I was tilting towards the other comments above until I saw this one by Sr Umm. Jazaakillah khayr… sometimes, we women just need for someone to give us both sides of the story, after a bit of a vent. 🙂
I loved this… as a pregnant Muslimah (first trimester ending) this Ramadan, I’m already wondering what the years ahead will be like. I know it’s not easy, from all I’ve seen and heard, but comments like these are also needed as reminders to soothe and provide solutions.
Let’s also remember that us women of today have a lot of ease too, that we take for granted. We no longer have to pull up water from the well, walk long distances to get firewood or take the animals out to pasture. We have electricity, warm beds, cool air conditioners, refrigerators and Alhumdulillah generally a very good supply of food. We have healthcare in case our children fall ill – very little risk of children dying from a simple infection like in the past. We have the internet with loads of information (and Islamic knowledge!!) at our fingertips… in our iPhones, iPods, etc So Alhumdulillah, we DO have a lot that 7th century Arabia did NOT have…
This is a reminder to me first!
Jazaakillah to the author for writing this and making us all ponder!
August 1, 2013 at 12:47 pm
Salaams,
This was such a lovely comment. 🙂
August 1, 2013 at 11:31 am
Asiah, love your reflections on this. I’m not a mother, yet, but I have long resisted the advice from others, often women of course, to read that “ideal” book. We are all individuals and what works for some may not work for others.
This is my first Ramadan working full-time 12-14 hours a day as a nurse. I stay up from the pre-dawn meal and may not get home much before the sunset prayer. I don’t always have the energy to go to the tarawih prayers, which end around midnight, thus leaving me with about three hours of sleep before repeating the cycle the next day.
After a few nights of this at the beginning of the month, I realized while driving home on the highway half asleep that I need to prioritize sleep in order to be effective in my worship, in my work, and just as a safe citizen on the road. I’m learning to appreciate doing what I can, which is not the same as I was able to do when I was a student or working at 9-5 job that wasn’t very taxing mentally or physically.
All the best to you,
Ify
August 1, 2013 at 7:02 pm
Although I wrote it about mothers, as that was my own experience, I’ve been realizing that really it is any life change which can shake us. We get used to relating to God in one way, or spending Ramadan in one way, and then when things change, it can be hard to adapt. I am still learning.
I’m so happy you shared your own experience, because it is exactly as you say – being individuals, each of us have to find out what works best for us.
Thank you for your feedback, I always value your perspective.
August 1, 2013 at 2:05 pm
Wow, Subhanallah, your words about being the “carnival worker” so everyone else can have fun could not ring more true for me! I have been basically sitting out of Ramadan for the last 8-9 years since having my 3 children. It has been so frustrating…I also feel estranged from the Deen and community. Actually, it extends beyond Ramadan, because we have no facilities for women with children at my masjid. I used to be super involved, and now I too feel that “dread” when Ramadan comes around.Why?….because the entire extended family and my husband go for tarawih, extra lectures, etc. I then have zero help from morning through the night with the children. It’s honestly been very trying. Put on top of this having sahoors and iftars ready, and the kids fed at different times….well needless to say I have not done anything extra at all spiritually, not even crack open the Quran, and least of all attending any Tarawih prayer.
I didn’t think getting married and having kids would actually make me feel like less of a Muslim, but i am seriously at the lowest point ever, and my husband comes from a very “religious” family….ha ha, maybe for them.
August 1, 2013 at 7:06 pm
“I didn’t think getting married and having kids would actually make me feel like less of a Muslim”
Wow, that’s some powerful sentiment.
I really can relate to a lot of your, well, what is coming off as some anger, despair, resentment… but I might be applying my own feelings to your comment.
I would love to talk to you more. My email is asiahkelley at gmail . Or you can find me at twitter.
August 3, 2013 at 11:14 pm
I too share with your frustrations Asiah. I have a newborn this year. For half of Ramadan, I could not pray and I am not fasting now because it effects my milk supply (breastfeeding).
A lack of ibadah is sure to put anyone in a spiritual hole as you say. I have a lot of difficulty concentrating in salah these days. I cam across this article on suhaibwebb.com today that I highly recommend: I don`t feel Ramadan: http://www.suhaibwebb.com/personaldvlpt/worship/fasting-ramadan/i-dont-feel-ramadan/
Reflecting on your article is bringing up childhood memories of my mother–one of the most spiritual people in my life. She has always engaged in dhikr while doing housework or driving, reciting duaas, Quran, even poetry.
Thanks Woodturtle and Asiah. I`ve really enjoyed this discussion and I`m forwarding this to others.
August 16, 2013 at 2:21 pm
Thank you so much for your comment and the link. I am so pleased to see more and more articles on this topic. I feel just talking about it, and getting people to see they are not alone feeling this a way can be a small step in helping. I know it was for me. Before I knew other people also experienced this eman isolation, I thought I was just a bad Muslim, and was losing my faith.
I would love to know more about your mother. It would be interesting to know how other mothers have coped. One of my religious teachers is a dedicated mother of 3 in Egypt. She struggled with years to study and take care of a family. She wasn’t able to commit herself to her studies until she was older. She often tries to encourage me by saying it can be easier for me. However, it has been dangerous for me at least, to compare myself to other women. It is not been easy for me to study, worship and connect to God with a small baby. And now we as a family are talking about having more children, and I am wondering what will happen, if it will reset everytyhing, and I have to go through all the eman problems again. Or if maybe I will find new ways of coping as it seems your mother did. I hope I can be stronger…
August 4, 2013 at 3:30 pm
[…] here to visit the full post on the blog, wood turtle: […]
August 5, 2013 at 4:07 pm
There is much in this post which resonates with me although I am walking the Jewish path rather than the Muslim one. Everyone told me that having a child would change my life, but I didn’t realize how it was going to change my relationship with prayer. When my son was two months old, I managed a post about my changed prayer life: http://velveteenrabbi.blogs.com/blog/2010/01/the-nursing-mother-tallit.html
And a bit more than a year later, I wrote This Is Spiritual Life / http://velveteenrabbi.blogs.com/blog/2011/02/this-is-spiritual-life.html — trying to articulate my sense that even the small mundane things I was doing to care for our son could be part of my spiritual life, even if I wasn’t able to make the time/space for communal liturgical prayer the way I used to do.
Anyway. Just wanted to chime in and say that much here is familiar to me. Thank you for the post.
August 5, 2013 at 10:09 pm
I…LOVE your nursing mother tallit!! On clips!! What an amazing idea. Honestly, the best prayers I’ve made in the past few years have been while nursing. And I agree with your second post — all of life can be spiritual life, it all depends on one’s intention.
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences Rachel!
August 16, 2013 at 2:36 pm
I was just able to get some time to myself to read your posts. I love your blog! When I started thinking about this issue of motherhood and spiritual life, I was searching the internet for blogs, books or anything that had already been written. I was most curious to know what women of other faiths in the West (more established than Muslims/Islam in many ways) were doing.
I love this so much. Thank you really, may you be blessed. I esp love the second post. It’s so simple but really I felt like crying while reading. The title and post reminds me of David Foster Wallace’s This is Water. So hard to remember sometimes when the mundane tasks of diapers and food prep and such take over.
I esp love how you have been adapted and molded your worship with your mothering. I think many Muslims are afraid to because we feel we must defer to the narrow legal opinions which exist for us in English. But I love how you have, with the law in mind, been able to continue on with your practice and worship. I am very in awe of all the support you seem to be getting from you community and other faith leaders. Inspiring really. I can only hope for a day when Muslim women faith leaders going to other Muslim women faith leaders, and male faith leaders and getting a supportive response is the norm.
August 12, 2013 at 12:23 pm
[…] “Motherhood Spirituality” by Asiah Kelly (guest post at wood turtle) […]
August 13, 2013 at 1:28 am
Subhanallah, I had tears in my eyes while I was reading this post. I could so relate to the feelings :’) In fact the reason I could only come across this post now after Eid is because I didnt have the luxury to browse the web during Ramadan. lol.
Anyways, here’s the post I wrote about my experience 🙂
http://www.aquila-style.com/focus-points/gratitude-for-the-god-of-small-things/
August 16, 2013 at 2:53 pm
Love your article. Left you a comment over there. But will say that I also often pray to find the “extraordinary in the ordinary.” Salaams ❤