When my best girlfriend came out, I hugged her. We didn’t really speak about her sexuality — history class and x-files (God, did I just date myself??!!?) were far more interesting topics.
Occasionally I’d ask how her parents were coping with the fact that their daughter was a lesbian, and naturally the conversation covered the general hurdles that many face. Specifically, her raw pain at losing the trust, faith and potentially, the love of her parents.
After we moved out on our own and into new circles of friends (she with gay culture and clubs and me with Muslim culture and clubs), she invited me to an “all gurlz” house party. Excited, I said, “ooh great! I don’t have to wear my hijab!” She responded by saying, “but some of my guests are gay. Is that an issue?”
Hijab is supposed to be a hetero-norm marker of modesty and “shield” ones’ sexuality from, well, the opposite sex. So what do you do if you’re surrounded by people of the same sex who may find you attractive? Do you still wear your hijab? What about the reality of gay men or the medieval Muslim tradition of allowing eunuchs to live freely among “women of the harem”?
It took me about 30 seconds to say the Qur’an (24:31) teaches that women do not have to guard their modesty among one another. Since the guest list was all women, hijab was not mandatory. At the last minute however, a bunch of guys arrived, and despite them being incapable of finding me sexually attractive, I again used gender, not sexuality, as a reason to cover. In the end, it was a fun time had by all and it was lovely reconnecting with my girlfriend (who is still the super, awesome, beautiful and strong woman she was then. And today she has the trust, faith and love of her family as well as her equally awesome, beautiful and roller-derbying partner).
A gay Muslim’s acceptance by the community or family is dependent upon many factors outside of religion. On the one hand, it may be easier to come out in North America, Europe or Australia, where there is a larger gay support network as well as a secular culture pushing for gay acceptance. While in many Muslim countries, the practice of sex segregation has given rise to a kind of “homo-culture” — where one’s first sexual experience is with a person of the same sex, simply because the opposite is unreachable.
Some gay Muslims don’t even know or think that they are gay. Some heterosexual Muslims engage in gay activities without thinking anything of it. For women, gay sexuality is rarely spoken about. It’s almost laughable or assumed to be so innocuous for women to love each other, that it’s not worth paying attention to. In public spaces, men openly hold hands, stroke each others’ arms and thighs, and kiss on the cheeks. It’s normal. There is no secular culture clamoring for gay rights. But there is a religious culture calling for condemnation. Hijabman recently flipped me this video. This is a raw and warm message from a young gay Muslim to others who says:
Your sexuality is not incompatible with Islamic teachings.
Made for the Dan Savage-It Get’s Better Program, this Shia, Pakistani Muslim talks about his experiences growing up gay in a conservative community, and how he survived by being upfront about his feelings. He went through high school like many gay teens — feeling awkward and different from the hetero norm of school crushes. But instead of as he says, “following the stereotypical gay culture,” he just portrayed normalcy while still being honest about his preference for the same sex.
Despite any prejudices he encountered, his main concern was his family. His father made it clear that if any of his children turned out gay, he’d turn his back on them all. He was not prepared to bear the shame of what the community would think about him as a father. So this young man’s sexuality was kept hidden until the day his father found out accidentally.
The initial response was as you’d imagine: “It’s not natural. It’s wrong. It’s disgusting. You’re a failure of a son. What will the extended family think?” It turns out however, that his immediate family didn’t care one way or another and eventually his father came around.
It’s a success story.
Gays throughout the Muslim world are persecuted, beaten, whipped and executed under the aegis of Islamic law. And you will be hard pressed to find a mainstream or conservative scholar who will say that homosexuality is fine and dandy, seeing that Islamic tradition is clear that sodomy is not permitted (which may be why there is less emphasis on gay women? Let’s also forget for a moment that penetration isn’t a requirement of sexuality, and that a few Muslim men who do have their first experience with other men, expect sodomy with their wives later on. But this is religious law and sex we’re talking about. And that always gets sticky).
What you will find are cultural arguments saying that homosexuals are abhorrent, hated, abominations, and are beyond the pale of Islam. It’s interesting that the Qur’an uses similar terminology when speaking about backbiting, lying, drinking, usury, and just about any other sin. The most strongest language is reserved for shirk, assigning partners to the “oneness” of God.
So the traditional position on homosexuality is that it’s a sin. This does not mean however, that a gay Muslim should be excommunicated, banned from prayer, condemned to hell or executed. Sherman Jackson, a brilliant community leader and scholar of Black Islam and Medieval Law, says exactly that in a speech on creating space for gay Muslims.
There is a wide spectrum of reaction to homosexuality in Islam. From outright persecution and condemnation to a progressive acceptance and call for the redefining of marriage to include same-sex partners. People argue that there is no word for gay or lesbian in the Qur’an, and that Islamic jurisprudence is guided by male scholars for a male audience, as well as coloured by culture, politics and context. (Gee, sounds EXACTLY what I argue when speaking about women in Islam.)
When I’ve spoken with gay Muslims, the sentiment I hear is that, “I don’t want to be a part of a religion that sees me as sinning. If I’m sinning I’m going to hell regardless of me being accepted. God made me this way. What’s normal for you is NOT what is normal for me — so why should your religious standards be applied to me?”
What I’ve found refreshing about these two videos is this: The “It Gets Better” video was the first time I’ve heard a gay Muslim say, “You know what? It’s ok. Sexuality is compatible with Islam — the two are not irreconcilable. It sounds like he has a great support network among his family, and that he’s found peace in his life and in his religion.
Even while supporting the traditional legal position on homosexuality, I think it’s rare that you hear a mainstream Muslim scholar coming right out and saying, you know what, Gay Muslims are our brothers and sisters in Islam. This means they are deserving of our love, support, and protection.
It’s our deeds that we will be held accountable for in the end. And no one has the right to assume that a person isn’t worthy of God’s love.
Image credit: Muslim 365
October 7, 2010 at 5:54 pm
Anal sodomy? For a really big surprise, google The First Scandal Adam and Eve. Then click once or twice to get the surprise, which will be…too much work?
October 7, 2010 at 7:16 pm
Have you heard of Carol Lynn Pearson? I’m having quite the obsession with her recently, and I just finished two of her books ‘Goodbye I Love You’ and ‘No More Goodbyes: Circling the Wagons around Our Gay Loved Ones.’ The impetus of the second is the epidemic of suicides among gay Mormons, but the book also tells many stories of ‘conservative’ religious families (including a few Muslims) who have overcome their prejudices and former views about homosexuality. Some people have managed to reconcile church/religion and sexuality, and some haven’t and have left in solidarity with their loved ones, but it’s facinating to see the different ways individuals and families have dealt with this issue. It’s an interesting read^^
October 10, 2010 at 9:02 am
Sounds really interesting. I need to refresh my booklist — thanks for the tip!
October 10, 2010 at 1:34 pm
Hey, this is an awesome article, it’s so good that someone is willing to talk about this, because so many of us Muslims shy away from talking about sexuality in general. Very nice insight!
October 10, 2010 at 2:22 pm
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Kel Durant, eccentric yoruba. eccentric yoruba said: sexuality is compatible with Islam: http://t.co/Mvoqm8F […]
October 15, 2010 at 2:20 pm
I am a queer Muslimah…and I really enjoyed this article. Thank you so much for writing about this openly and honestly. It has given me a lot to think about.
October 15, 2010 at 8:28 pm
Shukran for this. So much. Like Noor above, I am a queer Muslimah, and a very traditionally practicing Muslimah even. They are both part of who I am and I cannot just stop being either one, nor do I believe they are incompatible. So I know how important, and rare, this conversation is and appreciate your excellent writing and willingness to talk about this.
October 15, 2010 at 9:19 pm
Very interesting! I just stated somewhere else that if this serious issue is addressed openly, there may be less suicides, less beatings, rapes and outcasts. Just because “we” don’t like it doesn’t mean that it does not exist.
November 1, 2010 at 10:11 am
Do any of you know the Islamic position on homosexuality? I have always felt that homosexual behaviour is no worse than heterosexual behaviour outside of marriage. But is homosexual marriage permitted in any interpretation of the Qur’an?
I mean if you have two loving homosexual people who want are in a committed relationship and they want to be married and have sexual relation…I just can’t wrap my mind around how that’s a sin. I know that there have been times in history when homosexual, bisexual etc relations were considered popular and even straight people engaged in extra-marital relations for experimentation (consider the Roman Empire). But I do believe that some people are born this way. Isn’t it logical to allow them to marry and live in a committed way?
I have asked many people with no satisfactory answers. Some say that because they can’t have children (naturally) marriage is not permitted for homo-sexuals. My husband and I have no children, plan to have no children. Does that mean we cannot be married? What if one is infertile? Others say that it’s not safe. Even with protection, anal sex is less safe than vaginal sex, but what of lesbians?
I am a Muslim feministthat truly believes the Qur’an is perfect. I believe it is just and that any inequities are due to inappropriate interpretations of the allegorical parts or the mixing of cultural traditons with the word of God. On all other matters, I have found answers in more progressive interpretations, but this is the only topic that still leaves me wondering and questioning.
November 2, 2010 at 2:08 pm
You raise a really interesting point. I have yet to come across an interpretation of the Qur’an that allows for same sex marriage (even Irshad Manji’s reformist Quran is silent on the topic and maintains the story of Lut as it is traditionally told).
The verses in the Qur’an are vague in the subject, in that they address a very general audience. No where does it say, “and the marriage contract shall be between a man and a woman” (as far as I’m aware). That distinction comes out in the tafsir interpretation.
But it’s interesting. All sexual acts (including masturbation, and for some, even gazing too long at the opposite sex) outside of marriage is seen as a transgression. And marriage is the bulwark against illegal sexual temptation. So your question remains, if marriage makes sex halaal, wouldn’t a married same sex couple be having halaal sex?
The islamic position remains though that homosexual sex is a sin. You can be gay — just don’t act on your impulses is the general rule.
There are many examples from the Prophet that suggest eunuchs and men “incapable of desiring women” lived among the women of the companions. There were even effeminate men who pretended to have no desire for women. But once found out, were asked to leave the women’s homes.
I don’t have an answer at the moment, but you’ve given me a lot to think about. Something to revisit in the future.
November 2, 2010 at 2:15 pm
I definitely think the points you raised about marriage and about the historical precedence of eunuchs are really interesting.
The thing that always confuses me about arguments against homosexuality is that the only definite prohibition is the one against sodomy (at least, in my understanding of the story of Lot). So sodomy is a sin, which means anal sex (and giving a man oral sex, depending on your definition) is a sin for both men and women. That doesn’t address relationships between two women, or relationships between two men where sodomy is not practiced. Sodomy does not equal “homosexual sex.” “Homosexual sex” can mean a whole lot of things that don’t have anything to do with sodomy – and also this completely ignores the spectrum of relationships outside of sexual acts.
This is probably the biggest thing that’s difficult for me to understand/make sense of when thinking about Islam and my sexuality.
December 9, 2010 at 9:07 am
I agree that the only direct reference I’ve seen in the Quran about homosexual behaviour is in the story of Lot. But so much of that seems to more about excesses not committed relationships. Still so confused.
Thanks for the responses. The search continues!
August 10, 2011 at 9:40 am
When I first reverted, I was sitting with some friends when one of the gay guys said, “You’re bisexual though? I heard that.” I nodded and my more conservative sister look shocked, “But not any more, right?”
It struck me there’s a lot of misconceptions about sexuality (and not just in the Muslim community), that one can pick and choose who one is attracted to. That if one wants to, one can ‘turn off’ the instinct.
For now, I’m silent about my sexuality apart from to my closest friends. I’m lucky enough to be around sisters who don’t care, and aren’t paranoid if I see them with their hijab off I’ll definitely develop a huge crush. One day, I hope I can be honest.
Queer rhymes with tahir.
August 12, 2011 at 12:11 pm
You know, because religion is cleansing and will correct everything “wrong” with you. Ugh, not a fun conversation to have.
I’m glad you now have some sort of support system around you — but it’s so very difficult to not have acceptance without hiding. No one should have to do that.
I totally saw a “Queer rhymes with Tahir” sign at NYC Pride.
December 27, 2011 at 11:40 am
I think every people responsible for what they do…for example if someone is a gay and choose to be that way, he already know the consequences…I don’t support nor against the homosexual people. Even God Himself doesn’t judge his servants until the day of judgement, so why should us? It’s not “gay or straight” that matters, it’s the good deeds you contribute to God and society and nature that matters. Because when you judge someone based on their sexuality you only view a very tiny fractions of the person as a whole.
I think gay muslims are either our sisters and brothers in faith 🙂
December 12, 2012 at 8:03 pm
You are awesome for writing this article and I love your blog in general. It’s so genuine and so refreshing. I consider myself an ally as well and find that sometimes my more conservative fellow Muslims feel I have “lost my way” for even empathizing with Queer Muslims. Thank you for writing this.