It doesn’t take long for me to regain my commuting feet. Everyone is tired, cold and jaded. But I have a spring in my step and navigate the crowd like a pro — pushing through to get to my stop. It’s been over a year since I’ve made the trek to the downtown core for work, and I’m exhilarated. It’s time for the annual office Christmas party.
New mothers who are slated to return to work within the new year are invited and expected to attend. It’s good office politics to meet old and new colleagues, get caught up on office gossip, and schmooze. But it’s impossible not to feel like you’re just there to be judged and observed. Is your mind a mashup of children’s rhymes? Have you forgotten how to write policy or code? Have you even kept up on business developments?
Within minutes of arriving I have two people ask me if I’m pregnant, and it’s not because of my body shape. When I push through to meet the CEO, I have my witty retort ready: “Oh K, it’s wonderful to see you! What’s new? Pregnant yet?” “Yes. With twins.”
My deadpan response elicits an appropriate level of polite laughter. But there’s so much left unsaid by my colleagues. I spend the rest of the night playing the good and intelligent office worker — yet no one seems interested that I’m writing and thinking critically while I’m owning mommyhood. I’m obviously not on the same level, or even worth assessing by those in a position of authority. I’m just a mommy and no longer a sharp, career-driven, Bay Street worker. I’m completely defined by what may or may not be in my womb.
When I return to work, I have a basic right by my equal opportunity employer who shouldn’t (hopefully) overlook me for advancements, training opportunities or projects because I might get pregnant again. But what may look great on paper, may not necessarily happen in practice. I left the party knowing that no one has any expectations of my work capabilities. Whatever credit I built up during the three years before pregnancy is gone.
Instances like this are often used by conservative Muslims to illustrate weakness in the Western feminist push for equality and to highlight the wisdom and integrity of equality in Islam. Hijab liberates women from maintaining and buying into a Media-enforced standard of beauty — people will judge you by your words and actions and not your body! God-fearing men will protect, maintain and support you — no need to deal with unequal pay or sexual harassment at work! Women keep their own name, property, assets and can work if they choose — there’s no need to sacrifice your career! Motherhood is an elevated and respected position — so there’s no need to sacrifice your family either!
These are indeed guaranteed rights in Islam, the most important being spiritual equality, where the deeds and good works of both sexes are weighed with equal measure. But indeed, what may look great on paper, may not necessarily happen in practice.
When I got married, one of my wedding presents was a book called A Gift for Muslim Bride. In it were legal rulings, cultural expectations, case studies, prophetic traditions and verses out of the Qur’an, all advising on how one can be the best wife and mother: A Muslim woman is encouraged to speak softly to her husband upon his return home from work. Rub his head and feet with scented oils. Avoid cooking close to his arrival time to keep the house smelling clean — but don’t delay too long in having dinner served. Your man will be hungry. Don’t pester him with your daily concerns or stresses. Keep conversation light and if you can sing, do so sweetly. Preferably about the glories of God or the Prophet. Present your husband with clean and happy children. Dress yourself in fine clothing and wear gold to beautify yourself. Minimize your smell by cleaning yourself with fresh water. Fast and restrain yourself during eating so that you may maintain a pleasant figure. If your husband is returning from a long trip, don’t ask him where he’s been. Don’t ask him for presents, and if he gifts you with something you don’t like, don’t criticize the gift’s colour, size or contents. You will hurt his feelings.
Assuming only that women will stay at home, the book includes further gems of advice on how to run the household, preparing for coitus, living peacefully with the in-laws, living peacefully as a co-wife, and being an overall good muslimah. Conveniently written by a man, this book and literature like it is prolific in the Muslim world — all helping create a fantasy-like, idealized worldview of what it means to be equal in Islam. Which, according to these authors, really means that the onus is placed upon women to bend over backwards, work triple time and self-abase to keep everything Stepford-wife-perfect. I have yet to come across a book dedicated to men requesting them to maintain their figures, not to smell, to sing sweetly, to ignore marital stress, to self-sacrifice and to stay at home with the world’s most perfect children.
When this type of literature is coupled with the belief that men are active public players who maintain and sustain women, it sets up situations for women to be incapable of self-actualization and for men to aid in their subjugation. Forced seclusion, maintenance by male guardians, polluted feminine bodies — none of this is compatible with the right to work, own property, to have access to education or even the right to spiritual equality.
No one needs to be guilted by the decision to stay at home, or convinced by way of constructed duty. A family’s context and support needs vary, and it’s for this reason that the Qur’an doesn’t define exclusive gendered roles, but places the onus upon the best person for the job. Sometimes it’s better if both partners work; if the father stays at home; if the mother stays at home; if day care is used to help a single parent; or if both partners take turns working or not. Sometimes children aren’t in the picture, and never will be. Marriage too. Sometimes career is the key and sometimes it’s family.
I may very well decide to one day stay at home and raise our family, but at the moment, my return to work is necessitated by our financial needs.
I’ve very much enjoyed my time at home with Eryn. Who wants to sit in a cubicle and code all day long when I’ve spent a year loving writing, volunteering, creating, and playing? And while I’ve occasionally managed to keep her happy and clean, and dressed myself up in stellar fashion for the Hubby, 99% of the time I have food smeared all over me and Eryn is hyper the second he comes home. It would be nice for the Hubby to come home and rub my feet with scented oils — but I do tend to use this blissful time when he takes over, to regroup and unwind from my own constructed duty.
Cross-posted at Womanist Musings.
December 16, 2010 at 5:19 pm
I have a similarly laughable book on how to be a good wife that I bought at an antique store. It’s for the “Western” wife, but it was written in 1905.
December 16, 2010 at 5:22 pm
Also, I am really sorry about the feeling of being not taken seriously at the office post-pregnancy. I work in software, too, and one of our engineers has something like 5 kids, and I’ve never seen anyone treat her as anything other than AWESOME. I don’t know if my company culture is different (doubt it; it feels highly patriarchal). Maybe you just need to be back in the swing of things again before stuff feels normal?
December 16, 2010 at 9:27 pm
Here’s hoping — but I was really shocked at how many people assumed I’d be applying for mat leave as soon as I could. Or even suggested it as being the “right” thing to do. And my manager walked away from me in mid-sentence when I was talking about the blog, with a “I don’t want to hear it.”
This is the same person who told me that he’d go easy on me when I returned because I’d need to relearn my computer languages. *blankstare* We’re talking html here.
December 20, 2010 at 7:54 pm
Holy carp! That is really terrible. I honestly wouldn’t know what to do about a boss who treated me so poorly.
I guess I had tried to push this out of my mind, but at our company Christmas party this year, everyone was congratulating me on my engagement (which occurred several months ago, but whatever, I guess we only see some of these people once a year) and the founder’s wife said to me, “You’re not leaving us, then, are you?” and I wanted to shout, “Are you kidding me? I’m the only one with a steady income.” She followed up by saying, “It’s so nice that you won’t have to be alone anymore.”
December 17, 2010 at 3:18 am
Salams–
you get a year off!?? Here in the US we get 3 months max and most only take 2 because that’s only as long as the paid vacation/sick days last.
Anyway, I just had to smile at your description of the book. It reminded me quite alot of the “Ideal Muslimah” book that everyone gushes about.
I’d like to know more about your positions on gender roles in Islam. I’ve never heard or read anything that suggests the traditional roles other than the famous men are the “maintainers” verse in surah an-nisa and that they (the men) must support them (the women) from their wealth. This verse has always been somewhat problematic for me actually.
December 20, 2010 at 7:55 pm
My company gives us three weeks off. THREE WEEKS. That’s in the US.
December 20, 2010 at 9:33 pm
Kuwait gives between 6-10 weeks from what I’ve heard from friends working there.
And the “maintainers” verse is one of my struggles. I addressed it a while back, but it’s always a topic that needs revisiting.
December 20, 2010 at 7:49 am
I read the Ideal Muslimah book as well and was… well, shocked. I cannot believe all these books that exists out there, written by MEN, on how women should act and behave. It’s appalling.
I don’t have any kids yet, but I hope I’ll never have to face what you’re experiencing. That’s absolutely horrible. How come it’s always expected to be women’s responsibility to look after the kids, and that we’ll “obviously” have gone stupid by the time we go back to work… I do nightshifts at an elevator company (taking emergency calls and sending out the mechanics to fix the elevators) and we’re only 2 girls, and about 12-13 guys who do these shifts. I’d been gone for 3 WEEKS, and they were all like “I’ll just stay to make sure you still remember what to do”.
Luckily thinks are changing here in Denmark, when it comes to parental leave. The parents have a total of 12 months of paid leave. The mother is guaranteed 6 weeks, the father 2 weeks, and the rest they can distribute between themselves as they see fit. Reality however, still is that women take about 9 months off, and men 3.
December 20, 2010 at 9:43 pm
Being exposed to the ‘Ideal Muslimah’ was the best thing for me. I totally bought into the prolific, online literature on women’s place in Islam — usually just bite-sized snippets of these books, slightly suggesting our inferiority under the guise that Western Feminism makes women oppressed.
But then I picked up the Ideal Muslimah. And after reading page after page of how I could save myself from being one of the many women in hell by abasing myself, never speaking in public, etc, I just couldn’t buy into it anymore.
January 12, 2011 at 12:21 am
Excellent post!
I need to read the Ideal Muslimah just to see what it is all about, but I think any glance at the 1940s’s western lit on how to be a good housewife probably sums it up. So why make myself angry or depressed? lol
January 14, 2011 at 2:29 am
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