I was standing in my closet, tears rolling down my face, a pile of clothes at my feet when I admitted something I thought would never come out of my mouth: I HATE hijab.
Moments earlier I was pouting and stomping around the apartment — feeling frumpy and ridiculously hot in a winter sweater. The Hubby, sensing that something was wrong, asked why on earth I was dressed for the second ice age when it was a balmy 30C outside. When I groaned that it was the only thing that fit my postpartum body, was breastfeeding accessible, AND comfortable enough to wear with the baby in a sling, he took me by the hand and proceeded to go through all of my clothes.
Unfortunately, the Hubby could not have known that a torrent of hormones and insecurities let loose by baby-blues and a negative body image was bubbling up inside me, just waiting for an excuse to explode.
He handed me a black nursing top: Too tight. It’s not hijabi enough.
A long blouse: I.am.too.FAT now. It won’t close over my chest.
My favourite cap-sleeve patterned shirt: I can’t! I have to wear a long sleeve shirt underneath to hijabify it — and then it won’t be breastfeeding accessible!
That’s when I stamped my feet and erupted into tears. It was a full-on adult tantrum — and I took all of my frustrations out on hijab.
A year after I converted to Islam I took on hijab. I remember the chills that raced across my skin when making the intention. I spoke the words to God after completing Asr prayers and felt a comforting weight descend all around me — like someone wrapped me in a cloak. At first I made a promise saying that I would never take it off. But I quickly backtracked, augmenting my intention with a promise to “try to keep it on” and asked for Divine help to do so.
But as I stood there watching the Hubby slowly back away from me during my meltdown, something clicked and I said, why not? In that moment I felt trapped by hijab. I HAD to wear long sleeves. I HAD to cover my shape. I no longer had the “right clothes” for my body and therefore couldn’t leave the house. If I didn’t abide by these rules written somewhere-not-in-the-Qur’an-but-in-many-other-books-by-men then someone, somewhere would be disappointed in me. Why not take it off if it would make this part of my life easier?
The answer for me in that second was what I really hated. Not the hijab. Because by asking myself that question, I had to admit that I just didn’t want to deal with the headache that can come with taking it off.
As I’ve said elsewhere, “I love the community hijab affords me — how great is it that strangers greet me, or ask for directions or welcome me into their home because I’m an identifiable Muslim? In its simplicity as a piece of cloth is also a multitude of wonderful experiences for women: providing strength, God-consciousness, self-esteem, the ability to negotiate male-centric spheres, and more. But hijab becomes a problem and an issue for women when it is reduced to being only a sign of piety. It becomes a problem because it is seen as only a dress code for women.”
It is a rare thing for a man to have his commitment to Islam questioned based on visuality — on whether or not he has a beard or adheres to “proper Islamic dress.” But when a woman doesn’t wear hijab, or (heaven forbid) takes it off after wearing it — people start wondering what’s wrong. How has she gone astray? What else is going on in her life? Is she even Muslim? For surely, it is only the BELIEVING woman who covers her adornments.
And when worn “correctly,” with the “right clothes,” the right amount of hijab pins, and with a generous sprinkling of religiously-intoned-Arabic, hijab can afford women the privilege of authenticity in certain circles. While in others she’s oppressed, exotic, cultural, empowered, liberated, or controversial.
Amazing that the perception of hijab has such a varied spectrum of power over women.
And that is what I hate.
I don’t like feeling that women will never escape the hijab. That our actions, words and deeds are always judged first by whether or not we wear it — and wear it correctly. That our very belief in God and Islam are questioned. Because I know absolutely that men are not judged by the same standards.
I don’t like feeling, even for a single, hormone-induced moment, that fearing the repercussions of taking it off is the only thing keeping me in hijab. But I am not so fickle.
While I wear hijab for many reasons, I’m not prepared to deal with my current wardrobe problem by wearing my breastfeeding inaccessible Abaya and running around outside after Eryn in Toronto’s muggy and humid summer. But I’m also not prepared to cloister myself inside with Ivy in a self-imposed purdah — fearing a clash between hijab modesty and public nursing.
So while it might be easier to simultaneously run after Eryn and nurse Ivy in a tank top, I don’t want to lose my identity as a Muslim or my hijab — and just have to tune out imagined (and real) voices nay saying my clothing choices.
The day after I took on hijab, a good friend congratulated me and said, “Now I know your commitment to Islam is real!” But my hijab doesn’t define my personal Islam. No one knows how deep my commitment runs. No one knows if I whirl myself into ecstatic communion, how many books on fiqh line my walls, or how much of the Qur’an I’ve committed to memory. Whether I’m in an abaya, my regular Spanish hijab, a turban, short sleeves, or a face-veil — no one knows how much I pray or fast.
No one knows just how much I love God. And my hijab certainly isn’t advertising.
Note: Many thanks to Krista Riley and Rawiya for indulging my thoughts for this post, and my shameless thievery of Krista’s hijab pin observation.
Also, this post makes sense to me as a mini-rant based on an emotional moment — it may not make sense or even apply to you, and certainly isn’t reflective of other’s personal truths.
wood turtle 
June 26, 2012 at 7:44 pm
I can identify with the nursing and nothing to wear moment, definitely 😦 When I gave birth, almost NOTHING in my closet fit. Most of the few things that had fit when I was pregnant were not breast-feeding accessible. Also I was absolutely sick to death of them because I’d worn them for the last several months. I bewailed and bemoaned the lack of nursing-suitable abaya options. My old side-tie abaya, which would have been perfect, would not close on the side or anywhere else due to my expanded size, and there didn’t seem to be any other side-tie abayas on the market. Forget any combination outfits of skirt and top, because few of my skirts and none of my tops fit. I actually ended up modifying some cheaper abayas so I could snap and unsnap the top. I also finally tracked down some side-tie abayas to tide me over until I fit into my old ones. This was easy to throw on over whatever pants fit and a tee shirt. Underneath on top, I wore either short sleeved button ups or polo shirts with extra-long snap openings (I had to do some quick shopping). I notice they now have some cross over neck tee shirts which would fold down easily. The side tie-abayas were by far the easiest once I fit them, also it meant I didn’t have to really think about anything getting dressed, which I didn’t have time to do for months, and they did not emphasize how I no longer fit most of my clothes :P. The few garments I had which had long zipper or button openings etc received renewed focus… I will certainly stock up on these a lot if I get pregnant again, and I bought a lot more of this type of thing in the next year or two! It did take a bit of thinking to figure out what would work (still not as frustrating as trying to find nursing bras that fit) but once I had a plan in place and a few key garments it went much more smoothly. Also luckily I remembered how a nursing mother I met when I first converted used to wear her hijab to nurse easily, and I followed that example. I was not somebody who could remotely nurse with a baby in any kind of carrier or tucked into a shirt or through a slit (hah) or anything else, the concept was laughable. The hijab however, could be let down easily to cover me if necessary.
It is a very frustrating path to go down when you start thinking about what your hijab means to other people and how they are making false assumptions based on how you dress. I sometimes get hung up on this myself, although since I don’t know very many other muslim women in person, it’s not a daily challenge. I have to keep coming back to… it doesn’t really matter what other people think of my hijab. Most of the people I encounter are non muslim and certainly think the way I dress is odd. When I do run into other muslim women who deign to talk to me, I often get the impression then do too. I found wearing hijab oddly freeing in some way because I could take charge of my own dress, I know longer had to worry about what people thought. I wear things I like that are comfy, and make me feel like I’m following Allah’s guidelines. That thought, and the comfort I feel now wearing a garment that doesn’t cling to me and covers me, is a much stronger motivation for me to dress than what other people may or may not say. Maybe it’s because most of the feedback about my hijab when I first started wearing it was from non-muslims, but I find I care perhaps even less what other muslims may take from it, though I appreciate that they can identify me AS muslim otherwise I’d never meet anybody :P. Bottom line is: I’m not ultimately wearing it because of them, for them, to please them, or to do anything for them. I’m wearing it for me and Allah. That’s it. I especially dislike it when any one (especially muslims) suggests that I am wearing it for any man, but I’m not wearing it for other muslim women to categorize me based on either! I realize people will still do so. Most people don’t agree with or understand my dress and nobody agrees with me on all points even about religion. Oh well 🙂 it was never about them.
June 27, 2012 at 1:47 am
Thank you so much for such a thoughtful and personal comment!
I’ve also had people suggest that I wear my hijab for my husband — at least, it becomes a convenient explanation for them as to why a (white, Canadian) woman like myself would wear it:
“Where are you from?”
“Toronto.”
“No, originally?”
“Toronto.”
“Did you marry a Muslim?”
“Yes.”
“OOoooh! That’s why!”
And I agree with you — religion or hijab.. it should never be about them 😉
June 27, 2012 at 3:32 am
Yes!!! My least favorite conversation ever! I have had this more times than I can count. They usually also go into “where are your parents from?” too before abandoning that course. Upon finding out that I’m divorced, they start asking details about my ex-husband! The very worst is when this conversation is with a muslim man who I just randomly met!
June 26, 2012 at 10:51 pm
I love this article – I cant relate to any of the pregnancy stuff (yet =P) but the hideous double standards employed by society to judge women v men – your assessment is right on the money.
I did a quick google around for maternity friendly hijab wear and was rather disgusted (and pretty damn p*ssed off) to find virtually NO nursing abayas/jilbabs yet a TON of abayas& jilbabs for girls (what the heck do they need it for?!) – ridiculous, outrageous, pathetic and very very disappointing indeed. Even more evidence for this article.
Did manage to salvage ONE website with ONE abaya – that is apparently nursing& baby bump friendly – atrociously priced but take a look anyway: http://www.aabuk.com/product_details.php?id=863&picid=&picid=2
Pray that you find the solution you need sis – dont let this get in the way of enjoying motherhood!
May God keep your faith strong and protect you and your HIjab. Take care!
June 27, 2012 at 1:32 am
Oh yeah, it probably would have been helpful to link to nursing-friendly abayas I mentioned in my post, too :P. These are some I reviewed recently (though not with that in mind since I’m not currently nursing, but in a similar style to the old one I had): http://qatheworld.wordpress.com/2012/03/20/285/. They have the advantage of being comparatively cheap. I hated spending money on giant maternity/nursing clothes that (I hoped) would soon be too big for me :P. Also they are nicer than the side close one I ultimately bought during maternity/nursing from another site which was extremely poor quality compared to my old one. I also had some of those front snap closure abayas which I don’t like, but they served the purpose (have since got rid of them).
Silk Route Clothing also has some button-top options (http://silkrouteclothing.com) though they are pricier and often have limited size options (but I do like their quality and some of the styles).
Tunic Tops from SHUKR are always a great bet too (they have a lot of tunics and jilbabs right now that either button up or have zippers…. and those you can just throw on over jeans or whatever pants/skirt happens to fit! The sad part about that for me would be how much weight I gained so I didn’t want to spend that much money, and also I wanted something that would “shrink” with me which is basically a side tie abaya.
I also bought and modified some cheap abayas from Eastessence at the time (they sometimes have button top options too). (I like the options from Islamic-attire.com better though, had I known about it at the time. There is a longer order turnaround time though).
June 27, 2012 at 1:56 am
I LOVE tunics and of course, the ease of Islamic clothing. What I find annoying about always “hijabifying” outfits is working with layers while looking well put together. Everything is also seasonal — so while I’d love to get myself a few nursing tops that fit, none of them have long sleeves. I’ll have to wait for autumn for that option.
Hence the bonus of Islamically-styled attire.
None of my abayas are nursing friendly. I only have one that zips down the front — but just not low enough to nurse comfortably. I should look into altering it. Thanks for the inspiration!
June 27, 2012 at 3:27 am
Yeah, I almost never do the layering thing 😛 it’s too much work, and too hot. I really don’t want to wear more than two layers: An undershirt (typically a tee shirt, though I had to revamp that when nursing into something that opened) and something on top with long sleeves, preferably loose so it’s cool. (Okay, if it’s raining I’ll add a jacket). Even better if I can find something that works without an undershirt (though sometimes an undershirt and a really loose top/overgarment is cooler than a thicker single layer top). I do many times see something in the store and think, wow, that would be sooo great if it had long sleeves! Or the top was a little longer! On rare occasion, I buy these. Then I regret it, and I almost never wear it, because I hate layering things :P. I have to make serious rules for myself about such things! It can be hard to untrain the “but if I do X, Y, and Z this could work.. ” (though I will do minor garment modifications). I’m not saying I don’t like the layered look on other people sometimes, but I really don’t want to devote that much time to coordinating an outfit for myself most of the time, and I don’t like the clingy type of sleeves that people typically use for this to prevent looking like they’re wearing an entire drawer full of clothing (unless it’s cold out). I try to tell myself that only buying things that REALLY fit my wardrobe without having to coordinate with specific other pieces is helping encourage the stores to sell hijab-friendly clothes 😛
June 27, 2012 at 1:49 am
Thanks for your prayers and the dua’ Huda!
I’ve found the solution to my current hijab/nursing/clothing dilemma: cardigans 🙂
June 27, 2012 at 12:11 am
Haha, thanks for the shout-out – and here I thought you were joking when you said that should be a blog post title 😉 Maybe one day I’ll do more research and further develop my Theory of Hijab Pin/Perceived Piety Correlation. I bet there’s an equation for it. Maybe even a pretty graph.
And this is such a great post. I remember, many years ago when I was considering wearing hijab (and dealing with everyone’s perceptions of me with and without it), feeling totally exasperated and telling someone, “ugh, this scarf is taking up way more space INSIDE my head than it ever would ON my head!” What you say about it being impossible to escape is so true…
June 27, 2012 at 2:05 am
Please do so! And YES to a graph!
Imagine the work we would all get done if we could just get past the hijab more often.
June 27, 2012 at 8:10 am
Hello,
While I know nothing about nursing, pregnancy or hijab (!) I have seen some of my hijabi somali friends overcome this problem with their traditional dress… its… well a dress! and it is very abaya-esque (long and loose) and they kind of take the seam apart a bit more on the sides so they can have side access for nursing… and your average dress comes pretty cheap if you go to the somali areas in town and buy them there that way you wont have to spend too much on temporary clothing.
Two cents from an observer! and i hope you get your hijabi groove back!
June 30, 2012 at 10:49 am
I wonder if a maxi dress would work the same! Thanks for the idea.
June 28, 2012 at 1:00 pm
ahh! I can relate (though my hijab history is very different). I went to hajj this past year with a 8-month old. I looked far and wide in Makkah and Madina for a nursing friendly abaya and the only think I could find were ones with cheap front snaps. I ended up stitching them using the sewing kit from the hotel 🙂 On top I used these huge one piece hijabs that went down to my knees almost (I would never dress like this here but so many sisters at hajj were wearing this hijab. Inside I just had my nursing bra, no other layer, because it is far too hot.
I nursed (and did dhikr) watching the kaba from just a few dozen yards 🙂 and in the middle of the night at Muzdalifa while everyone else was lying on mats. Ahhh such good times 🙂
June 30, 2012 at 10:51 am
I can’t tell you how much I love this comment. If we could go to Hajj this year (insha’Allah!!), that’s exactly what I’ll do.
What an amazing experience! Did you find that it was easy with an infant? What about the crowds?
June 28, 2012 at 3:30 pm
I’m in agreement with you sis. Great post. I’ve been reading a lot on this topic lately actually. This idea that women’s piety=hijab. Maybe there will be a hijabi revolution soon. We can all shave our heads and write on them “MY HIJAB DOES NOT DEFINE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD!”
Totally punk out. Would be fun. I’ve been looking for a good cause to shave my head for…
..
After I gave birth I used button up jilbabs, was very easy. And I even nursed in public, putting my scarf over my daughter. Now she’s big enough to pull it off though so that’s not too fun.
East Essence has some jilbabs and maternity/nursing abayas. They are pretty cheap too. http://eastessence.com/
The other option is if you have old abayas, you can cut down the middle and sew in a zipper or your own buttons. or just leave it cut open with just a latch or button at top and cover with a scarf.
July 2, 2012 at 3:13 pm
aha wood turtle, story of my * life * !! Even though my daughter’s a pretty well behaved nursling at the moment, I have a good five minutes of desperation whenever I try to get myself dressed and out the door. Always the same questions back and forth… should I wear the button-down because it’s convenient, even though it’s not fitting comfortably any more? Should I cut and rehem my long sleeve (under)shirts so there’s just a few inches less fabric clinging to my torso in this sweltering summer heat? Do I really need a tank top for length, long-t for sleeves, and looser short-sleeved blouse covering my figure for modesty? Should I just give it all away and go shopping already? Will I ever be back to my pre-pregnancy size? And for goodness’ sake, would the sky really fall in if I didn’t wear 10 zilliion layers of clothing just to check the mail?!
I’ve mostly given up about just checking the mail. But anything beyond my driveway is starting to be a chore.
Oh, let’s not forgot that I have zero (0) professional-type, nursable, hijab-compliant clothes that fit, and I have an actual job at an actual university starting in just a few months. Is this the part where I’m grateful I can’t take my daughter to work, so I might as well not worry about nursing in my “outside-wear” ?
Who knows. It’s been such a hard lesson in vanity, patience, etc. Lots to surrender to, for sure. I wish I had something more constructive to add–but suffice it for now that you are most definitely * not * alone. Hang in there! And keep rocking whatever look makes you feel right. 🙂
July 3, 2012 at 6:13 pm
Like Dina, I have no first-hand experience of pregnancy, nursing, or hijab, but just from what you’ve described, would a tank top and shrug under a tunic or abaya work? I have a few shrugs that are very thin cotton and only go around the upper back, so they’re quite light for summer but still cover the arms (I cover up for sunburn prevention) and wouldn’t interfere with breastfeeding… *googles* like this? http://img2.etsystatic.com/000/0/6377445/il_fullxfull.321658194.jpg
July 7, 2012 at 4:28 am
I just ran across this blog that has several different nursing clothing links and had to pass it along! 🙂 Lots of other nice tips on the site too for nursing muslim mamas: http://suckledsunnah.wordpress.com/category/nursing-clothing-covers/
October 22, 2012 at 12:49 am
Asalamu Alaykom,
It’s good to say the truth. For too many of us, we feel like we’re not good Muslimahs if we admit that we have moments of hating hijab. It makes us human when we speak our truth. What is good about blogging this is that you help other women who feel like betrayers to their faith if they wish one day they didn’t have to wear their scarf to go out in 90 degree weather. We can have our struggles AND be good believers. And “yes” we are judged way too much by what is on our heads rather than what’s in our heads. I don’t know if that will ever change. We women can help that but shutting up our big critical mouths every time some hijabi sis doesn’t meet our criteria for “modest”. Let’s love! Let’s stop hating on each other! When we stop hating others for how they’ve failed maybe we can stop hating ourselves when it happens to us. Love and Light!
November 8, 2012 at 11:15 am
[…] This is why I wear a kippah, דווקא (especially) when I do not fit the stereotype, as I think that it is imperative for all Jews who find meaning in our tradition, and who are disillusioned about some aspect of it, to fight for a Judaism of the future that hears our concerns and is, as a result, a Judaism that appeals to more, not fewer, people. *To read about a Muslim woman struggling with some of the same issues, see here […]
December 3, 2012 at 1:28 am
as salaam alaikum
Actually, sunnahstyle.com has tons of abayas with zippers for nursing mothers, and they’re a Canadian company too.
If anything, and maybe this is just me, I think nursing in an abaya is infinitely easier than anything else, because all you need is one larger than your normal size and you’re fine.
Meltdowns regarding weight gain and pre-pregnancy clothes not fitting really aren’t exclusive to Muslims, after all. One of my coworkers had a meltdown for the exact same reason – she had nothing to wear that made her feel good again.
December 3, 2012 at 10:50 am
You’re right about this not being exclusive to Muslims. I still haven’t lost all the weight (and I doubt my body will ever be the same “shape” again haha) — but it’s interesting revisiting this post now that we’re well into winter and I no longer have the baby-blues/hormones/weather issues that inspired this post.
Perhaps it’s time for an update.
Thanks for the link! Abayas make so many things “easier.”
December 3, 2012 at 2:13 am
an innocent question from a non-muslim girl with curiosity about the hijab culture:
You mention that the hijab doesn’t define your connection to God and also that the Quran doesn’t actually call for you to wear it. if I remember, you said the culture of wearing hijab is more influenced by the callings of other men and their writings. So if the one book that Islam calls to follow religiously (correct me please if I am wrong, I am here to learn 🙂 ) is the Quran, then why do women, including yourself, still feel the need to wear hijab?
The way I see it is if you accept that your connection to God is personal and nobody else’s business then who cares what others say? Muslim, non muslim, men, women. Shouldn’t your argument work in the other way too so that you could just as easily lose the hijab? But yeah my main curiosity is just that why do so many Muslim women (and I guess other cultures too that cover themselves similarly) feel the need to follow these rules of dressing when they are so clearly men-established ways of “proving” your faith? I am especially confused by my peers who have grown up in the states and converted to hijab in college, they have always had a loss of words in explanation. maybe you can provide some insight.
Great writing by the way!
December 3, 2012 at 2:39 am
The answer to “why I wear hijab” will vary for each person 🙂 but I wanted to mention that for me, the reason is very much that it IS in the Qur’an: verse 24:31 (“…draw your headscarves over your bosoms…”) and 33:59 (“O Prophet! Tell your wives and daughters, and the believing women, that they should cast their outer garments over their persons (when abroad): that will be better, that they may be recognized, and not annoyed.”). The verses may be translated/interpreted in various ways, and certainly they may be applied in many ways, but it seemed fairly straightforward to me once I studied the meanings (hadiths also provide additional support). As for pressure from the community, it’s not really a factor for me in wearing hijab… I get more pressure not to since most of the people I interact with on a regular basis are not muslim, though I am familiar with the hijab critics who think there is only one way to cover. Different people will interpret your means of dress, whatever it is, as sending some kind of message which may or may not be what you intended; however, I don’t feel I have to prove anything to anybody, I pretty much wear what I want, and I chose to wear hijab to follow Allah’s instruction. I believe that the guidelines that God gives us for life are there to help us, and I have certainly found wearing hijab helpful in ways I did not expect.
December 5, 2012 at 4:04 pm
I agree with Aisha. I’m a Muslim and don’t believe Hijab is part of the scripture. GatheWorld listed a few versus that again say nothing about covering the hair as part of a Muslim woman’s identity. It says cover certain parts of your body to avoid being harassed when traveling 🙂
Self Explanatory. There is MAN written pieces that talk about covering WAY MORE … but again.. that’s man’s word versus God. 🙂
December 3, 2012 at 11:28 am
Hi aisha — thanks for commenting.
My line about “hijab rules” being in books written by men and not the Qur’an was referring more to the fine details about hijab. There are a wide variety of (usually male) scholarly opinion and global practice of hijab — including variances on allowable colours, that it shouldn’t show one’s shape, feet are ok, feet are not okay, 3/4 length sleeves are fine/not fine, your hands must be gloved/can be ungloved, don’t show your ears, show your ears, not applicable to post-menopausal women, applicable even if your hair is grey, etc etc. People sometimes get bogged down in the fine details.
Sometimes when I show a little neck, invariably someone will comment that I’m only in “half hijab.” And sometimes when I’m in an abaya but my feet are uncovered during prayer, someone will tell me my prayer is invalid. Now, I’m not saying that everyone is a hijab cop — but there are sometimes social pressures based on these hijab “rules.” Rules that you won’t find in the Qur’an. And you’re right, who cares what they say? But this is where it gets a little tricky — especially if one’s authenticity to the community is tied to how she looks. In *some* situations, women could be excluded from mosque participation, leadership positions or finding connections to other women if she’s not in the right kind of hijab. There might be a greater impact on a social level, even if the personal doesn’t care what others think. But hijab should never be limiting.
And you’re right — for some, hijab includes a modest way of thinking and acting and isn’t at all related to covering the hair and body. I’ve also mentioned elsewhere that the most pious woman can be uncovered but the sinner wrapped from head to toe. So why not lose the hijab?
My reasons for wearing hijab are varied (and well documented throughout this blog) — but are also rooted in the Qur’an and in a 1,400 year old tradition. I feel these can’t be ignored. In all honesty, at the moment I am a little ambiguous towards feeling *commanded* by God to wear the hijab. But like the great reply from qatheworld, I do believe that God has provided the outlines of a hijab in 33:59 — “so that you may be recognized (as Muslim).” So that’s where hijab starts with me. I wear hijab because I do see it as being a tradition in the Qur’an, because I want to be recognized as a Muslim, because (rightly or wrongly) I perceive a family expectation to wear the hijab, because it’s pretty and looks good on me, because it’s now tied to my personal identity and concept of modesty, oh the list goes on!
I feel like I rambled a bit — hope I answered your question!
December 3, 2012 at 11:43 am
Also…
Hijab shouldn’t be limiting. But sometimes it is — especially when controlling women is more easily accomplished through controlling their bodies — whether it’s hijab or reproduction rights. But hijab can be liberating and has within it the potential to be a feminist act by rejecting sexualizing culture.
Hijab is personal and I don’t think anyone can really say why Muslim women wear it or not. Which is why it’s so frustrating that it’s what we’re always reduced to in the media and why religious instruction and education for women seems to always come down to what’s on our bodies.
December 3, 2012 at 3:28 pm
This post really resonated with me. I wore hijab for 5 years. I loved it at the beginning, and by the end I hated it and was so stressed out about it. I took my hijab off for a few weeks, and ended put it back on, cut off all my hair, worked in an Islamic school, all in the effort to try and keep it on. When I finally realized that my battle was so large surrounding my hijab, and that the other aspects of my deen were suffering, I gave up and removed it.
I decided to use all the energy I spent about wearing hijab on becoming a better Muslim. What I found is that sisters that I thought were my friend, abandoned me, treated me like I was a kafir. If in their eyes, my religion and my friendship were reduced to a piece of cloth.
It is not easy to wear hijab. The clothing battles as you have described are not easy. But this whole idea of bringing down our piety down to a scarf. It is not only the brothers who have created this phenomenon, it is also sisters who wear hijab who have made it that way. Sisters, we have to stop being our own worst enemy. Leave the judging to Allah SWT and just be supportive of each other and recognize that we all go through these battles.
December 4, 2012 at 4:02 am
you sound like a little child. i couldn’t get past a few paragraphs.
January 21, 2013 at 1:55 pm
Well, thank goodness that you posted such a brilliant reply! Jerk.
December 4, 2012 at 6:26 am
Absolutely brill post. I’m so glad you wrote this. It seems as though we have both gone through that same trauma of what to wear post partum. I invested in some button down tops after my first child to help Breastfeed cz I found it impossible to wear anything else. I’m pregnant again and nothing in my wardrobe fits me so I’ve resorted to wearing my hubby’s clothes.
You are right when you say your hijab doesn’t define how much you love God. I find people are too fixated on it, and forget that ultimately we are going to be held accountable for our intentions and actions. Not if or how we wore a cloth on our heads.
Thanks once again for such a heartfelt rant. A rant many of us can empathise with
Wsalaam
Sabbiyah
December 4, 2012 at 7:47 am
I’m not nursing or have a baby or anything but I still related to the hijab battle and laughed out loud. When I made the decision a few years ago to wear the scarf properly, I thought it would be easy but there are still days I think / question / throw a tantrum in my head. Thanks for sharing with such honesty!
December 5, 2012 at 3:59 pm
I used to wear the hijab. And then I decided to take it off. I don’t care what people think and don’t ever feel the need to have to explain to anyone why I wore it or why I now chose to no longer wear it. This is a great post, but I think you need to move beyond having to explain yourself to people.
I don’t wear the hijab. And no matter what people say, I am a Muslim and I love Allah (swt). I have no interest and feel no need to persuade people of this. Not only do I apply this philosophy to what I wear and how I look to people , but also in the way I practice Islam and live day to day.
I believe hijab has become a distraction to real issues and by continuing to have conversations like this, we are fueling this. We are allowing people who want to distract the world from real issues like inequality, rape, stealing, and killing- to continue to do so but blaming and judging women (who if are set free and have time to think about real issues, instead of worrying what to wear- can actually work to end! This is why people who are power hungry like to keep women down. There are also ways they try to keep men busy – like keeping them distracted with how women should dress cook clean and live. and of course you are all feeding into that. But thats another conversation) 😉
This is why I like to get straight to the point. I would never allow a man (or woman, or community) tell me what to wear or how to live. I was raised in a ‘Muslim community’ only to learn that most Muslims have very little ‘Islam’ about them. Most people have distorted perceptions of what Islam is, and thats because most of us have allowed other human beings to influence and tell us how to live our lives.
Word of advice to you all:
Stop wasting your time judging one another and trying to force your own opinions on others and just focus on yourselves and those who are really hurting others. If you TRULY believe in the greatness of Allah (not because its a trend or your mama, neighbor or local misogynist told you to) — what makes you think he needs YOU?
If you want to be ultra-conservative in your practices thats totally fine- just dont define others based on your own views. Once you start judging the way others are practicing Islam, then you are no longer on the path of Islam but on your own narcissistic path.
Good luck everyone !
Salaam,
Raja
August 14, 2013 at 5:08 pm
OMG, I was just saying this exact thing to a bunch of sisters who were criticizing my “improper hijab” (even by a few who didn’t wear it as well as some who wore it “properly”. So few people think the way we do, and Allah also says many times over that few will understand the revelations. If some dress code called “hijab” is mandated, why would Allah need to beat around the bush and wait for men to “explain it” via “sunnah” which I found out is “hearsay-educated” opinions of an unelected majority of “scholars” + hadith + their interpretations of Quran…?!?! There appears to be evidence pointing against ahadith adherence, and it seems that every piece of evidence pointing to ahadith is really just cherry-picked and spun phrases that say that obeying the messenger is obeying Allah. Ok, sure, but where is the DALEEL that Bukhari/Muslim’s (Persians, not even Arabs, BTW) ahadiths are the right ones? There isn’t any. Just a MAJORITY OPINION which is very rich considering the Jews and Christians wouldn’t convert to Islam citing this very reason…..Ya3any, just because everyone believes it doesn’t make it correct. This “sunnah” or even “shiite” stuff is really poisonous and full of faulty logic. I’m with you: I refuse to equate myself with people who want to scapegoat women for a social problem. Also, note their faces when you bring up their husband being able to marry 4 women. As well, when you bring up the fact that disbelieving women are not ordered to cover, so how does this solve the issue of adultery?! If men are so wildly attracted to hair, I guess this must mean that men must deal with the fitna of being attracted to disbelieving women!!! Oh, I could go on……
August 14, 2013 at 5:18 pm
(cont’d) And yes, I am an American Libertarian who is fed up with the actions of my government. I bring up issues like Audit the Fed, etc. as a way to potentially cripple the MIC and all the ahadith-followers can do is stare blankly and talk about how it is “sunnah” to avoid such topics. WOW. So nice to meet a kindred soul. As salamo 3alekom, Sr. Raja
December 8, 2012 at 7:04 pm
Reblogged this on 5pillarsand6colours and commented:
The blog post is ON POINT! I’m not even going to entertain a summation, just read it and re-blog. Seriously, it’s THAT good!
December 31, 2012 at 1:54 am
[…] post by Rawiya on finding God in a bag of milk and my post asking just how many hijab pins does it take to be pious. Apparently they were your favourite posts too, so thank you all for reading, commenting and […]
February 19, 2013 at 11:11 pm
Salam, I started college this year and I didn’t wear a hijab, even though I had worn it for 4 years all throughout high school so when I started college I took it off. As I got farther into my first semester I was comfortable without having it on. The area I lived in there were barely any Muslims and certainly no hijabis I was the only one wearing the hijab in high school -literally- and I felt that it represented my faith to others, no one ever forced me to wear it I wanted to take it off back then too but I never brought myself to do it because I feared what others would think which I know is wrong. But when I saw this one girl in college, a little more than halfway into the first semester, she looked so beautiful with the hijab on and I decided if she can wear it why can’t I? And that was extremely wrong of me to think because I wasn’t doing it for Allah (swt) i thought i was but now i realize that i really wasn’t. So I put it back on on a whim. And currently I’m in my second semester of college (still first year) and its been about 3 and a half months since I’ve had it on. And I’m having second thoughts about my intentions, I’m struggling and I really do want to take it off because I feel that I can be modest without it on. But I’m afraid of what my Muslim girl and guy friends will think. I know it shouldn’t matter but it does to me. And I feel that I’m not ready for the hijab at times. I know its wrong to be fickle about it, to take it off and then put it back on again and then take it off again because I’ll just confuse those around me and myself. Currently I have it on but I want to ensure that when I do put it on I’m doing it for the right reasons. So if I take it off would that be wrong? What about what everyone would think of me? Am i wrong to think this way? I feel like im still trying to find who I want to be, I’m only 18 and I’m really confused. My hijab isn’t even a full hijab its just a scarf around my head which sometimes shows my bangs, so would taking it off really be that big of a deal since I have it on but its “halfway” and since I still wear half sleeves with it? Please help, I’m just so conflicted right now. =(
March 9, 2013 at 5:46 am
I too am in this same state of conflict within myself… I find the whole ordeal of hijab really stressful, to the point where I often prefer to stay cooped up at home rather than having to worry endlessly about wearing a hijab to go out, and that’s no way to live, when there are classes to attend and work to do… I’ve also resorted to the “half hijab” thing you mentioned, wearing it loosely, on the brink of taking it off…
Just like you I saw a girl who looked nice in hijab and so I felt encouraged to wear it. If she could pull it off, so could I! Totally wrong reason to do it, but I was so overwhelmed with so many compliments and this new, unusual kind of respect from others by wearing a headscarf, being the unusual one in a predominantly non muslim environment… and awkwardly, it also brought a lot of attention from mainly muslim men, which is so messed up as it’s the last thing I wanted. Importantly, I made my Dad pleased, as the pressure he had put on me to wear it had been heavy. But I only realise now how wrong these reasons are to be my motivation for wearing hijab. Sure, it connected me with other muslims easily, and I get recognition in the muslim community without question, but to what end? Doesn’t that just reflect a deep problem with the muslim community, that a girl is only really truly accepted in the community if she covers her hair in such and such way? Furthermore, I am perplexed by the phenomenon that I am often given preferential treatment over non-muslims in many, many situations – just because of a hijab. You might wonder why I’d say such a thing: surely it’s a good thing if I’m favoured over others, if the muslim man behind the counter at the cafe gives me a free jacket potato just because I’m a visible sister? Myriam Francois Cerrah mentioned in a talk on Youtube (if needed I can find the link) that prior to wearing hijab she could flutter her eyelashes and get herself on the bus if she didn’t have the fare – she notes how after wearing a hijab, that rarely happens, unless the bus driver was a muslim (at which point she and the audience laughs)… But surely that’s the same notion of preferential treatment, simply transferred from the non-muslim to the muslim parallel? I’d like to hope a bus driver would let most people on if they seemed genuinely at a loss with what to do and were strapped for time… That’s how the Prophet behaved (I’m thinking of the What about our other brothers and sisters in humanity, sisters who also dress modestly and have sincerity in their actions and God in their lives? Are they not worthy of the jacket potato freebie because they don’t cover their hair up in a certain way? Isn’t that a little bit unfair? Some men refuse to consider a girl to marry unless she wears hijab – how paradoxical is this, when Islam teaches us always to consider actions, deeds and behaviour before judging appearances? Being someone who is at an age where I am faced with the prospect of marriage, I hope the man I marry *doesn’t* mind what I wear on my head, because if he does, he’s just not got the right idea. Part of my desire to stop with the hijab is a desire to challenge these pre-set notions and ideas, to be an active muslim for humanity rather than for the arguable incentives – whether right or wrong – of gaining freebies and ego-boosting from the community. And no, I obviously don’t think these are the right kind of reasons for wearing hijab AT ALL, yet they still pervade my life whether I want them to or not, whether subliminally or overtly.
To me, the hijab as we know it today has become a carrier and producer of guilt. When I take it off and see someone wearing a headscarf I feel guilty and bad, but when I wear it I feel guilty and bad for making others often so visibly awkward and possibly feel guilty and bad too… It’s this guilty circle, it feels horrible all the time and it has eaten away at my self confidence and feeling of security in myself and more importantly, in my faith. I don’t think Allah’s embrace is meant to feel like this. I find myself avoiding all muslims, avoiding the hijab, avoiding eye contact with people and feeling anxious and apprehensive each time I have to go out and be seen in public. It’s just horrendous.
I got my hair cut recently, for the first time in about ten years, and I didn’t put a hijab on afterwards, I just walked around the shops and felt so peaceful and calm and so… feminine. I felt free, like I used to before the hijab thing began all those years ago, it felt so comforting to feel the breeze on my neck and ears. Interestingly, I also felt less judgemental of the way others were dressed or even of muslims I saw.
Anyway, I am sorry to have rambled on like this in reply to you. To respond to your questions, I think only you know what needs to be done. Gandi rightly says “to believe in something and not act upon it is dishonest”. Thus to believe that you can be modest without the hijab is a perfectly fine belief – and there are as many arguments for the hijab as there are against it. Naturally, if to continue to wear it makes you feel uncomfortable because you feel you are being dishonest to yourself, to others and your faith, then you know what needs to be done. Jeffry Lang says that if you are finding wearing hijab too hard and too painful, it often detracts one from the main tenets of Islam, so you should stop wearing it and put the issue on the shelf for a while, giving yourself space, because if you find it a burden greater than you can bear (2:286), this does not make you invariably a lesser muslim” (Lang, “Losing My Religion”, p.392-393). And that’s the hardest part: to act upon your belief – whether that belief inspires you to wear it, or to take it off, (and that goes in equal measure for those considering donning the hijab too).
March 17, 2013 at 7:18 pm
Sister you have no idea how much I needed that, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words of wisdom. Your response really made me think and as I was reading how you mentioned that I already know what I’m supposed to do, you’re right; I was just too afraid of taking that step, of admitting it to myself, and I let my confused mind stop me every time.
I thought I was the only one in the situation, it really feels amazing to have the support of someone who’s in the same position that I am. I feel like that motivation has to come from within and be genuine, not just put the hijab on out of routine or because everyone around you is pleased. I think that first we as Muslims need to take care of internal problems before resorting to the external ones. Actions and deeds do come before appearance, we’re not allowed to judge in the first place that’s only for Allah (swt). So why does our society see the girl that wears a hijab and may do things that are un-Islamic (I’m not saying all hijabi girls are like this at all) better than one who might be better in terms of piety but doesn’t wear the hijab? It’s really not fair. I completely agree, it does reflect a deep rooted problem within our community; I never actually thought about it that way. I sincerely appreciate everything you said, God knows how much I needed to hear this. I pray that you marry a guy who won’t judge you for your outward appearances, but will look at your piety/actions/deed rather than if you’re wearing a headscarf or not (not that there’s anything wrong with that) but like you I believe there is more to being a Muslim woman than just covering your head. May Allah ease all of your difficulties. I wish you the best 🙂
March 9, 2013 at 5:56 am
P.S. This really sums it up for me: http://tuffix.deviantart.com/art/Equal-199991094
Hijab or no hijab, feeling the rain is the same! Good luck with your decisions and choices, may it be easy for you.
xx
March 17, 2013 at 1:50 pm
http://www.beliefnet.com/Faiths/Islam/2008/08/Taking-Off-My-Hijab.aspx
March 17, 2013 at 7:20 pm
Thank you for that link! It’s nice to know I’m not the only one struggling with this issue, and there are others that can relate out there.
March 31, 2013 at 4:47 pm
i dont relate to the pregnancy clothing crisis, but i totally understand the not having anything hijabi friendly to wear sometimes especially if you get a little chubby and shopping becomes so hard…ugh
March 31, 2013 at 6:14 pm
Have you tried looking at the garments offered by Sunnah Style? The site claims some of them are nursing friendly, though I personally have not tried any of their clothing. I personally found that a waist lenth khimar and a loose dress with a waist length snap open/shut worked for me when I was nursing. I make most of my clothes, don’t know if sewing is your thing, but I’ll put some directions on my blog for a dress that’s easy to sew and customize to suit yourself. : )
March 31, 2013 at 7:05 pm
That would be fantastic!
I really dig your knitted hijabs (been wanting to say so for a while) — but I am unfortunately, not handy with knitting needles. 🙂
March 31, 2013 at 9:12 pm
Thanks about the hijab – getting handy at knitting is just a case of doing a lot ( a whole lot!) of it so your hands get comfortable with the motions.
April 27, 2013 at 7:38 am
Sister islam is not merely submitting to Allah. Its submission by the standarads established by Prophet sallalahu alai hi wasalam. Its the code of life. Its not my interpretation or urs.its meeting those standarads.May Allah make this submission easy for us.
July 2, 2014 at 1:03 am
[…] the past year, I’ve talked about my love/hate relationship with hijab, how I’ve become unmosqued, that I am disappointed in our leaders, and now that I am a […]
July 23, 2015 at 9:05 pm
I don’t know how I ended up here but anyways… my wife had a great idea after having the cute baby we had given hope up. She took half of her clothes to the tailor and added a zip from the neck to half of the cloth. 😉
November 16, 2016 at 4:41 pm
You will forever be judged by this cloth so why not abandon it all together and no longer let it define you and you’re piety ?! It’s a sexist remnant of an archaic desert culture. Stop letting this gender biased modesty requirements dictate you and your life. You are more than that cloth. You deserve an identity beyond this cloth, behind these entrenched sexism and set of standards for men that men will never face ! You, your piety, your dedication to a religion, should never be determined by something so superficial by how well you keep yourself covered.